As critic proof as the product from Pixar or the latest in a long line of unnecessary Underworld/Resident Evil/ Saw sequels, Twilight is getting ready to spin its final endgame in the two-part trial known as Breaking Dawn. Why a film focusing on the marriage of vampire Edward and his mope-about gal pal Bella and their eventual offspring requires four hours to tell its tale will always remains a Harry Potter inspired mystery (Deathly Hallows was a massive finale, book wise). What’s even more shocking, however, are the ridiculous lengths that author Stephanie Meyers will go to maintain her disaster-piece’s market share. Having already taken the slight premise of her initial novel and blown it up to all manner of illogical proportions, Breaking Dawn drives the over the top elements into the stratosphere, creating a conclusion that’s so clueless it’s like a teenager taking an Algebra II exam.
While there are dozens of dopey decision made throughout the course of this nutty narrative, at least ten stick out as more misguided than usual. Perhaps they tread all over established cliches only to embrace the truisms later on, or spend their weak-willed ingenuity like so much birthday money before going bankrupt. Whatever the case, we have chosen to preview this piecemeal entertainment by highlighting this collection of laughable logistics. While one assumes a bit of stupidity when it comes to Twilight - scratch that, a LOT of stupidity - the concepts here are more than pathetic. Instead, they show how thin an already wafer-like franchise can be expanded in order to earn more of that sweet, sweet international box office sugar, beginning with some beefcake for the shameful soccer moms in the audience: