For those who love film (as we do), it’s often hard to hate the medium you enjoy so much. In the case of the movies listed here, the ability to loathe was quite easy, actually.
James Franco, Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez, Ashley Benson, Rachel Korine, Gucci Mane
Another numbing disaster from the relentlessly immature camera and pen of Harmony Korine. Korine’s story about college girls (mostly TV good girls gone bad: Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Benson, Rachel Korine) who go to Florida for spring break and turn to a life of crime to avoid returning home is as repetitive and dream-like as Terence Malick, only with nothing on its mind. In a better world, James Franco’s devious turn as cornrowed dealer/rapper Alien wouldn’t have been wasted in this tiresome nonsense. Chris Barsanti
Only God Forgives
Nicolas Winding Refn
Ryan Gosling, Kristin Scott Thomas, Vithaya Pansringarm, Ratha Phongam, Gordon Brown, Tom Burke
24Only God Forgives
An utterly artless exercise in existentialism posing as a meditative modern western, Nicolas Winding Refn‘s selfish homage to violence is as dissatisfying as it is empty. Only God Forgives is so glacially slow and unsatisfying, the only explanation is Refn’s desire to alienate his audience. Job well done. The actors try to sink their teeth into incomplete roles, but only composer Cliff Martinez is able to produce anything memorable in this putrid picture. Mr. Gosling, Drive was fine, but the trade off between that and this is severely unbalanced. Please. No more. Ben Travers
Ken Marino, Peter Stormare, Gillian Jacobs, Stephen Root, Mary Kay Place, Patrick Warburton
What’s worse than an unfunny, gross joke? An unfunny, gross joke that drags on for 85 minutes. Jacob Vaughan’s Bad Milo is about a man, Duncan, who is so bad at managing stress, his stress manifests itself as a creature that exacts revenge for him. Oh, and the creature exits and enters through the man’s anus. Bad Milo expects you to find that so darkly funny in and of itself that it doesn’t really do anything else but remind you of this fact over and over. It’s a shame, because there are talented comedians in the cast—Ken Marino (the unfortunate star), Community‘s Gillian Jacobs, and Stephen Root, for starters—who aren’t really given any comedy to perform. The movie itself is hardly as out-there as it thinks it is, and you can see pretty much where every scene is headed as soon as it starts (usually with Milo exiting or entering Duncan). You wouldn’t expect “boring” to be the word that describes the movie about the ass-monster, but, in the case of Bad Milo, it’s the most apt. Marisa LaScala
Texas Chainsaw 3D
Alexandra Daddario, Dan Yeager, Tremaine Neverson, Tania Raymonde, Thom Barry, Paul Rae, Bill Moseley
22Texas Chainsaw 3D
In the 1960s and 1970s, several landmark horror films questioned the effectiveness of law enforcement, the military, the media and other official stabilizing forces and institutions. None of the above proved to be much help for that unfortunate group of young folks who wandered down the wrong roads in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974). Yet in the four decades since that film’s release, a mistrust of authority has joined with postmodern attitudes towards misunderstood monsters to create absurd realignments within the horror genre.
John Luessenhop’s ridiculous new installment, Texas Chainsaw 3D, re-imagines Leatherface’s origin story as a tale of a family wronged. The local lawmen of the exposition and present action are so corrupt that they replace Leatherface within the film as the primary source of villainy. As a new group of young bodies meets his weapon of choice, the primary effort of the film is to humanize the monster by reuniting him with cousin/protagonist Heather (Alexandra Daddario). The moment she throws him his chainsaw and says, “Do your thing, cos!” is the moment Texas Chainsaw 3D becomes scarier than its foremost predecessor. Not because the horror filmmaking is more effective, but because massacre has replaced escape as the preferred narrative endgame. Thomas Britt
Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Rose Byrne, Max Minghella, Joanna Garcia, John Goodman, Dylan O’Brien, Tiya Sircar, Jessica Szohr, Aasif Mandvi
20th Century Fox
So what? You were expecting, perhaps, Wedding Crashers 2. Ha! Ha! Charade you are, for Mssrs. Vaughn and Wilson aren’t going to reclaim their Hard R glory with this piece of Google synergy junk. As a couple of ex-salesman reduced to competing for single silly job at the search engine giant, the duo do their damndest to make us forget their were ever funny in the first place. Of course, all blame could easily be laid at the feet of unfathomably employable director Shawn Levy. Never meeting a cliche or contrivance he didn’t like, the mastermind behind such muck as Real Steel and Night at the Museum out Sandlers Adam in the awful mainstream comedy department. What’s next? Bing the Musical? Bill Gibron
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