30 Seconds to Mars + The Used + Alexisonfire + Glassjaw

Dear Mr. Leto, I really loved you on My So-Called Life. Alongside your so-called band, Frozen Embryos, you rocked my angsty adolescent world. But here’s the thing: your, um, “band,” 30 Seconds to Mars, like totally sucks. I’ll give you some credit for having a really good producer on the new album because it sounds polished and tight but, for the love of God, was that a backing track I heard during your set? I will admit that your live performance has a lot of energy; you really do know how to run around the stage and swing that guitar in circles. Did they teach you that in Actors-Turned-Musicians 101? Honestly, I’m a bit concerned by your diva behavior. For example, I was pretty disappointed when brilliant Canadian hardcore rockers alexisonfire’s opening set was cut off after only five songs to make way for 25 minutes of your band sounding like a watered-down Disturbed. It was, well, disturbing. Also, I am not sure you understood that your band was the second of five bands playing. NEWSFLASH: That means you were OPENING, not headlining. Headliners go last, get longer sets, and the right to act like the king of the roost. And, p.s., opening bands playing 25 minute sets don’t need elevated drum kits. Nor do they need big, fancy backdrops that are a hassle for the stage crew to take down. It’s not that you’re not still a cutie, Jared, more that you need to pay more attention to your showmates. Glassjaw and The Used, two bands with a terrific talent and experience, would be a good place to start. Daryl Palumbo of Glassjaw, for instance, could give you guys a few lessons. Palumbo and his band, whose performance was one of the best I have ever witnessed, know how to let it all go and play their little lovelorn hearts out without trying to appear cool. I might even go so far to argue that Palumbo is one of hardcore music’s best frontmen. He practically radiates the type of raw energy and charisma that you lack. It’s terrible that Palumbo suffers from Crohn’s Disease, which forced Glassjaw to step out of the rest of this tour. Bert McCracken of The Used, like Palumbo, has a natural draw. He is not trying to be good; he just is good. He is not worrying about executing a cute little jump at the beginning of the chorus. He doesn’t yell “motherfuckers” at the audience like he is a four-year child testing his parents to see if he’ll get in trouble for saying it. He and his band tear through their songs like it is their last day on Earth. I don’t mean to be so hard on you, Jared. This letter is probably making getting beat up in Fight Club seem like a walk in the park. I just feel like, in these situations, honesty is the best policy. Consider this an intervention. Just replace “alcoholic” with “delusional musician” and “AA” with me (and probably a lot of other music critics; I can ask around and see who wants to be a part of your healing process). You are a good actor, but you can’t fake musical talent. Sincerely, Emily