"Here, there, and everywhere"
Neighbours star Holly Valance recently enjoyed the number
one spot on the UK charts with her debut single, "Kiss, Kiss".
Valance is not the first soap star to do this: fellow
Australians Kylie Minogue, Jason Donovan, and Natalie Imbruglia
(all former Neighbours stars) have done it, as have a
variety of their British counterparts, including former
Eastenders star Martine McCutcheon. But the media
attention directed at 19-year-old Valance is less about this
crossover achievement than about the bawdiness of the video for
"Kiss, Kiss."
The song is vapid enough, featuring the following lyrics: "I
know you wanna touch me, / Here, there, and everywhere." The
video is even more superficial, if that's possible, as Valance's
full, red lips kiss the air in repeated close-ups. Between shots
of her lounging in a purple t-shirt and writhing in a low-cut
black micro-mini dress, come shots of her wearing a
skin-coloured bikini, but seemingly nude with only strategically
placed beams of light to cover her privates. Eye-catching as
this all is, "Kiss, Kiss" exemplifies the sad state of today's
"music" industry, as a teenager bumps and grinds to a recycled
tune.
Much like Imbruglia, who, in 1997 covered Ednaswap's "Torn" to
jumpstart her musical career, Valance has introduced herself to
the music world with a proven hit, designed to solicit her
already-established legions of fans. In fact, "Kiss, Kiss" has
been recorded by various artists around the world, the most
famous instances being in Turkey in the late '90s for its
composer, Turkan, and again, only last year, for Stella Soleil,
in America.
I can certainly handle a cover, even as a ploy to win initial
attention (consider Imbruglia, who, after "Torn," wrote and
released her own songs with great success), but when it's a song
that has so recently been a hit, repeatedly, it's clear that
something else is going on. Maybe someone owed Turkan a favour?
If not then, someone surely does now, as Valance's "Kiss, Kiss"
appears to be nothing more than an occasion for her to get nude.
The song concerns a woman (played by Valance in the video),
telling her man he's gonna get some tonight. "I wanna be close
to heaven, / With Neanderthal man," she sings (and I'm wondering
if Neanderthals might be her target audience). She writhes
around on the floor as a bevy of buff back-up dancers caress and
nuzzle her body, such that it looks like the onset of an orgy.
The boys move their hands along her waist, up her thighs, across
her backside, and she sighs in apparent ecstasy. Then we see her
dancing amid streaks of light (kind of like Michael Jackson did
in the "Rock With You" video), nude except for that bikini,
which is already becoming the stuff of legend.
More's the pity, because Valance does show talent as singer,
fully capable of delivering the pop pottage consistently hanging
about the UK charts. Add to this talent her huge following in
Australia and the UK, due to her Neighbours role, as
well as her beauty (quite visible when she's fully clothed), and
she apparently has everything going for her.
Maybe Valance is under the mistaken impression that the more
flesh the audience sees, the more likely they are to go out and
buy her record (think of the many artists who have solid careers
while keeping their clothes on). If you take into account the
sheer amount of press discussing and, therefore, promoting
Valance's burgeoning singing career -- in venues ranging from
respected daily newspapers to tabloid magazines across Australia
-- it is plain that interest in her debut single was enormous
well before the video came out. Her fame and the fact that she
was yet another soap star turned pop artist was enough to ensure
success. Nudity, at least for the sake of getting herself
noticed, had nothing to do with this overwhelming amount of
publicity.
Still, nudity isn't new to Valance. She has already been seen in
numerous provocative poses for FHM and Inside
Sport magazines. Such photo spreads have seen her pouting at
the camera, squeezing her barely covered, oiled-up breasts
together, and lying seductively atop rocks at the beach. Even
Neighbours directors have had her frolicking about the
screen in all manner of tight tops and mini-dresses (as well as
that super-short Erinsborough High School uniform).
"Kiss, Kiss" is an extension of this kind of display, but rather
than seductively flashing a bit of skin, here Holly is mostly
naked throughout: it's not only her ample bosom in your face,
it's also her long, luscious pins. The effect, however, isn't so
much arousing as it is tacky. We've all seen your boobs, Holl,
what else have you got for us? At least Britney had the sense to
keep her clothes on for a while, only becoming flagrantly sexual
with her second album, and still, she's only hinting at what's
below the frayed denim hugging her hips. Even if Valance and her
handlers are correct in thinking that raunchiness sells records,
then what's she gonna do upon the release of single number 2?
What's left to see?
— 11 June 2002
