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ShareHalloween is nearly here, so let’s talk ghosts. Annoying TV ghosts. They seem to be everywhere.
On their respective CBS dramas, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Patricia Arquette possess the freakish ability to chat with ghosts. On “Lost,” Hurley often sees ghosts. And on “Desperate Housewives,” a ghostly narrator has nothing better to do than haunt Wisteria Lane and spew hackneyed observations.
But what bugs us the most are TV ghosts like the supernatural dad in “Dexter” — judgmental apparitions who constantly offer advice and criticism and take up space.
Yes, ghosts are a major pet peeve with us. But certainly not the only one. Prime time is riddled with such irritating absurdities. And so, in honor of Halloween, here are some illogical and/or overdone TV devices that curdle our blood and make us want to scream:
—Couples who wake up after a full night of slumber looking like they’ve emerged from a day spa. Every lock of his hair is in place. Her makeup is perfect. They flash radiant smiles and then start sucking face — as if morning breath didn’t exist in their world.
—Pregnant women who go into labor and almost instantly pop out a pristine, cherubic baby who not only isn’t lathered in slimy gunk, but also inexplicably appears to be 6 months old.
—Speaking of babies, what about wannabe mothers who somehow pull off preposterous fake pregnancies? You would think that, at some point, their husbands might want to fondle their bellies. (This is a time-honored soap tradition recently appropriated by “Glee”).
—Stunningly slim and attractive women married to chubby goofballs. Like that happens all the time.
—The big game that is supposedly rife with intensity, emotion and meaning, but is played by a bunch of uncoordinated clods in a rinky-dink gym or stadium in front of a “crowd” of, oh, maybe 13 people.
—Oh, and the final big play of the big game always must unfold in slow motion.
—High school proms that just can’t play out without culminating in major drama — a drunken brawl, or the head cheerleader going into labor, or a nightmarish discovery that your main squeeze slept with your best friend.
—People who never say “goodbye” when they hang up the phone.
—Teens who are so much smarter than their parents and possess the vocabulary of a 40-year-old poet laureate.
—Characters who bonk their heads and develop amnesia. In real life, this is extremely rare, but in TV land, it happens all the time. An entire series (“Samantha Who?”) was even devoted to the trope.
—Our intrepid hero on “24,” who somehow manages to battle terrorists around the clock without stopping to eat, going to the bathroom or getting stuck in traffic.
—Female detectives who show up for work at a crime scene wearing 5-inch high heels and tight skirts.
—Overly frisky doctors who just have to have sex on hospital premises — usually in a closet or cramped store room. How unsanitary.
—The utter lack of suspense that occurs when a major star of the show is plunged into a perilous “life-or-death” situation. Yawn. You just know he’s not going to die because, well, he’s the star of the show. (That is, unless you read in the media that he is embroiled in a sticky contract squabble).
—Car drivers who jabber away with their passengers and rarely sneak a peek at the road, yet manage never to crash or run over a pedestrian.
Did we make it through the column without listing your TV pet peeve? Feel free to vent by writing to me at the e-mail address below.
