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If Borat had his own awards show, what would it be called?
OK, that was a trick question. Borat already has his own awards show. It’s called the Golden Globes.
That is not meant to imply that the 90 or so voting members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association are anything like the sex-crazed, politically incorrect journalist from Kazakhstan.
And, in the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I was once ejected from a Hollywood Foreign Press Association news conference. The gathering was sponsored by HBO, whose executives invited me to observe the proceedings. Apparently, the foreign journalists felt that I was a direct threat to their free breakfast buffet, and one of their officers rudely pushed me out the door and into a hallway at the Beverly Hilton hotel.
So, I still may be holding a grudge when I suggest that the people who run the Golden Globes are a bunch of Borats.
Despite the personal animosity, however, I must give the fawning foreign journalists credit for their part in running a successful second-tier awards show that drew about 20 million TV viewers this year. That number is down from the Globes’ heyday a few years ago when it was broadcast on Sunday nights, but it’s still a respectable audience for a show that’s not the Oscars.
In fact, I think the people who run the Oscars could learn a lot from the Borats who run the Golden Globes.
Let’s face it, the Oscars people need to learn something from someone to make their show more entertaining. The only thing that keeps the Oscars audience from disappearing altogether is tradition.
I would have said “sheer star power,” but now that Jack Nicholson is attending the Golden Globes, the Oscars telecast has lost some of its celebrity exclusivity.
Here are a few ideas that the Oscars could steal from the Golden Globes for the Academy Awards telecast on Feb. 25.
Serve alcohol - The Golden Globes people figured out a long time ago that the most interesting celebrities are inebriated celebrities, so they ply their guests with champagne before the show and during commercial breaks.
Nominate everyone in Hollywood - The one sure way to get a lot of stars to attend your show is to invent enough categories so that no one gets left out. With drama, comedy/musical and foreign-language categories, the Golden Globes managed to have a room filled with movie nominees. When you add television categories to the mix, there is barely room for anyone who is not nominated. By the way, the People’s Choice Awards has taken this concept a step further by informing winners in advance so that the hall is filled with only smiling, happy people.
Rig the voting so that Sacha Baron Cohen wins something - Everyone agrees that Cohen’s hysterically ribald acceptance speech was the highlight of the show. My favorite part was when he thanked the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Most people assumed that he was thanking them for voting for him, but I think he was expressing gratitude for inspiring his Borat character.
Lie to Prince - The Purple One is a real plus at any televised event, although he’s not as reclusive as he once was. You can catch him in Vegas any weekend. That said, it is still a special occasion when he shows up, and if he is nominated for an Oscar, someone should fib about the show’s starting time. Prince channeled Sly Stone at the Golden Globes and missed hearing his name being called as the winner in the original song category. He claimed that he was caught in traffic, as if Los Angeles traffic is problematic, but we know he was just being fashionably late.
Give Jack Nicholson’s daughter a job - The Oscars get Jack to show up simply by offering him a front-row seat. The Golden Globes had to try a little harder so they selected the actor’s young daughter to be Miss Golden Globes. The concept is that a second-generation Hollywood kid is picked to hand out the statues each year. We hear that Charlie Sheen refused the crown.
Don’t let Warren Beatty give an acceptance speech - I once interviewed Beatty and the interview started almost three hours late because he wouldn’t stop talking in earlier interviews. But he is an honorable man, and he not only gave me my full hour, but kept talking for an additional half-hour without prodding. While that is admirable in an interview, it can slow down an awards show. Instead, invite Annette Bening and have her husband just sit there and look pretty.
Finally, forget all those people who are responsible for actually making movies and give awards only to actors. Who needs writers, composers and makeup artists when there are pretty people to congratulate?
