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They say that familiarity breeds contempt. If that’s the case, 2011 is already a most hated year. From the sudden studio drop off, another aggravating awards season in the books and banked, to the nonstop flow of publicity for titles too tepid to make it at any other time of the year (“Hey [insert name here], here’s the latest exclusive clip of The Mechanic for you to enjoy - and post to your blog…), it can be grating. But thanks to the Web and its relentless desire to scoop and one-up each other, we are bombarded, almost hourly, with unnecessary information and advertising trivia. Even worse, citizen on the Planet Dweeb mandates that each and every one of these “revelations’ be immediate shared and conjected upon by everyone with a Twitter/Facebook feed.
It’s no surprise then that I am already sick and tired of 2011 - and it’s barely even started. Actually, that’s not a wholly accurate statement. I am fed up with certain circulated stories, the last couple of months making it difficult to play Farmville or follow the latest Courtney Love meltdown without learning that Liam Neeson is reprising his role in the animated Star Wars TV show, or that Disney has yet another Pixar flick coming out in a few months. Such overkill is clearly living up to the second syllable of said sentiment, making me loathe the next 11 months with a special kind of spite. While I am sure I can come up with a dozen more if need be, here are the initial ten patience testers I can’t cope with right now. Of course, as with anything in the nu-media, additional entries are just a truncated 24 hour news cycle away.
Anything to Do with Will Smith
First, he was fostering a misguided remake/reimagining of Park Chan-wook’s Oldboy - with Steven Spielberg in tow, no less. Then he hemmed and hawed before finally getting around to giving the greenlight to the cash grab known as Men in Black III. Now he’s pushing/pimping his talent-questionable hair-flipping daughter into a culturally attune PC remake of Annie. While he remains a fascinating onscreen presence, his backstage maneuvering is enough to drive even the biggest fan to multiple depressive distractions.
The Next ‘Dark Knight’ Movie
From the moment Christopher Nolan sent Bruce Wayne’s crime-fighting alter ego into self-imposed exile, Geek Dominion has been foaming over who, what, when, where, why, and how the next Batman movie would play out - and the conjecture has grown thicker than a 2010 slacker’s beard. First we had the Riddler appearing. Then we didn’t. Then Johnny Depp was on board. Then he wasn’t. In between endless Inception interpretations and the notion of who will take over the franchise once Nolan says goodbye, we’ve gotten some spotty info (who, again, is Anne Hathaway playing?) info. But the process has been so picked over its like a scab that won’t heal properly.
Kevin Smith
After Clerks II and Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Smith seemed poised for the cult-to-commercial recognition his years of dude indie appreciation would finally garner. Then he went and helmed the half-assed Cop Out, grew bitter over its mainstream rejection, and decided to blame his credential bread and butter - the critics - for his travails. Then he got kicked off an airplane and spun further into purposeful pot self-consumption. Now, with his upcoming horror film Red State, he’s turning into a waste-oid William Castle. Yawn.
The Casting of ‘The Hobbit’
Who will be Bilbo? Will Frodo even appear? What’s all this talk about a second “branching” film based outside the key Tolkein source material. Ever since Guillermo Del Toro dropped out of the director’s chair and Peter Jackson jumped back in, Messageboard Nation has obnoxiously followed every non-event announcement like it was an Elfish Gospel. Do we really care who the voice of Smaug will be, or who plays Thorin Oakenshield? Wake me when the actual films come out - if they ever do.
‘X-Men: First Class’
Considering how universally underwhelming all the X-Men offerings have been, it’s stunning to see the amount of slavish fawning happening at the hands of Matthew Vaughn’s reboot. Like the whole “high school Peter Parker” debacle for the current Spidey reset, this paltry prequel continues to look like much ado about adolescent nuttin’. Apparently, Hollywood believes in perfectly micromarketing a movie to the only demographic that matters. Before you know it, Hulk will be sporting body art and getting pissy about his Justin Bieber haircut.
George Lucas’ Belief in the End of the World
While it may be nothing more than a misunderstanding (or lack of clear communication), Seth Rogen’s recent comment about Mr. Star Wars ‘believing’ in the Apocalypse, Mayan-style (read: Dec. 2012) is suddenly spiraling out of spin control. After all, does it really surprise anyone that the man who made Hayden Christensen into Darth Lamer and thought Jar-Jar Binks was a good idea believes in some dunce cap doom and gloom bullspit? What’s more shocking is that his comments were not part of some deconstruction of Bigfoot, the Da Vinci Code, and the long dormant PoE Conspiracy.
The Froth over the New Roger Ebert-Produced ‘At the Movies’
As with anything the iconic film critic does nowadays, the hoopla surrounding the return of the “real, original” movie review program has been getting more online press than a Lindsay/Paris up-skirt shot. From the “who” shoulder shrug names taking their place in the balcony to the recent revelation of Rog’s brand new prosthetic jaw, the man is truly a savvy publicity machine. Still, it’s hard to envision this thumb-based format working anymore, given the spoiled soap box behemoth known as the Internet.
Captain America
Just remember one thing - it’s JOE FRIGGIN’ JOHNSTON! Name the last “great” movie he’s made - and no, the almost success of The Rocketeer doesn’t count. Between the underwhelming Jurassic Park III and the just plain ‘blah’ of The Wolfman, Johnston’s name should have comic book geeks goofy with anxiety. Instead, they latch onto every set pic and official PR leak like it’s a direct message from Red Skull himself. The period piece setting meshed with modern material might work, but until there’s some actual footage to see, it’s time to give the reverence a rest.
Thor
Here’s a bit of personal candor - I am a huge Thor dork. Don’t remember much about the mythology or the man-god himself, but I do have lingering memories of laying in the back seat of the parental station wagon, endless vacation highway ahead, reading the latest issue of my fave “funny book” with brain-spinning awe. So I am as curious as the next nerd about how Kenneth Branagh will handle this Norse noble. But enough already with the spoilers, the buff pics of star Chris Hemsworth, and the alarm bells circa a certain modern Prometheus. While I’m hoping it’s Hamlet, it could just be hackwork.
‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ Anything
So far, Johnny Depp has done a near definitive job of managing his amazing career. Just when you think he’s dropped off the sanity train and made a stop off at Nick Cage’s place in Paycheck Cashing Junction, he surprises you. But all this Jack Sparrow stuff is getting old, quick. Rob Marshall is not a good filmmaker, he definitely doesn’t have Gore Verbinski’s epic pizzazz, and now they’re talking about making another TWO movies in this already broth thin franchise. Maybe John should be scoping out land near the DeNiro and Williams Estates after all.
