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Okay, we’re ready. The bib is in place and the rising bile has been settled. We’re prepared for our plate of humble pie, and can’t wait to gobble down that big steaming bowl of crow. Unlike other film sites that strive to be all knowing and omniscient, we’re capable of admitting when we’re wrong. We try to read the tea leaves Tinsel Town tosses us, but the heady aroma can occasionally intoxicate our sensibilities. At the beginning of the Summer, SE&L predicted that the following five films would be the season’s most specious – Live Free or Die Hard, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, Underdog, and The Invasion. In the realm of uncovering crud, it was a glorified gamble – especially when you consider that Summer in general is a time for just such predicable popcorn pabulum. Still, we gave it a shot, and are ready to take our misguided medicine.
In retrospect, we did fairly well. Based on an overall tally of critical and commercial accounting, we were four out of five. Only Live Free managed to be a straightforward success. Now, before you get into a snit and start spouting statistics and box office returns, there is more to a flop than mere finances. No, a movie can be artistically bankrupt, or so slight that it warrants very little cinematic consideration or merit. By taking into consideration consensus, plus perspective, it’s clear that our helping of humility will be on the decidedly small size. Granted, the one we missed was about as big a bungle as one’s motion picture savvy can take, yet the remaining rejects argued for our crackerjack clairvoyance. And remember – this is not a rundown of the season’s best/worst. That will be coming later. So save your Spider-man venom and Halloween hate for another couple days.
Instead, let’s revisit each choice individually, to see how psychic – or stupid – we were:
Live Free or Die Hard
Box Office Returns: $134 million domestic/ $354 million worldwide
Rotten Tomato Rating: 80%
SE&L’s Prediction – Off by a Couple Million Miles
We got this wrong. Dead wrong. And in retrospect, there was really no excuse for our lack of insight. We bought the buzz. We drank the messageboard Kool-aid on the PG-13 parameters, the poorly realized script, and the lack of faith in Len Underworld Wiseman. And we got punked. Hosed. Hoisted onto our own prophetic petard. At the end of the day, this may not have been the old school actioner everyone hoped for, but it was a dazzling update on the franchise, and a stellar selection of stunt set-pieces. Heck, even Kevin Smith was good. In some ways, this rock-‘em sock-‘em reinvention could be the beginning of Die Hard 2.0. If Willis is willing, it would be interesting to see other directors take on the Mclane vs. Mayhem formula. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Box Office Returns: $131 million domestic/ $274 million worldwide
Rotten Tomato Rating: 36%
SE&L’s Prediction – Bordering between exaggerated and exact.
If ever a series was saved by the introduction of a novel new character, it would be this sloppy sequel to the equally unimaginative F4 original. Nothing about this retake corrected the problems of the past – Reed Richards’ abilities still look CGI fake, Johnny Storm is just a jerk, his sister Sue is a cipher, and The Thing resembles a bad amusement park character. But thanks to the T-100 tendencies of the title entity, we wind up with a film that’s almost half good, instead of all bad. We predicted a catastrophe, and instead, only got a genial piece of junk, watchable, and not a complete waste of time. Audience and critics seemed to disagree with such an assessment, however. Still, here’s hoping the Surfer only project sees the light of day. I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry
Box Office Returns: $115 million domestic/ $123 million worldwide
Rotten Tomato Rating: 14%
SE&L’s Prediction – Right on the Mediocre Money
God, how AWFUL was this abortive pretend comedy? How smug and stupidly misguided. Even if it wasn’t based on some crappy Paul Hogan hokum (guess the courts may end up deciding that) it sure feels like something ripped out of Crocodile Dundee’s derrière. Don’t let the appearance of Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor’s name on the screenplay fool you. Rumor has it their script was flushed by Sandler and his staff in favor of more anti-gay slurs. If Mel Brooks taught us anything with film’s like Blazing Saddles, it’s that you can be crass and politically incorrect, as long as you’re smart and satiric in the process. Here, all we have is deplorable dopiness. Even though it barely breached the $100 million mark, that’s no indication of actual success. We believed it would embarrass, and humiliate it did. Underdog
Box Office Returns: $37 million domestic only
Rotten Tomato Rating: 13%
SE&L’s Prediction – Accurate, if not exactly fair
It’s clear that after a month in theaters, families aren’t flocking to see this misguided update of the cartoon cur – and the reasons are rather obvious. Disney does its usual toothless job of trying to jerryrig this one note joke into a clever superhero spoof. Even worse, they decided to desecrate the good name of the original animated show along the way. Frankly, the film’s not THAT bad. It’s soulless and silly, but the Jason Lee voiced beagle is actually kind of cute. The House of Mouse could have made their own take on the subject matter, scuttled all the Underdog referencing, and come out with a decent little diversion. Instead, they were hoping to corral some of that dwindling Baby Boomer cash by tapping into some manner of negligible nostalgia. SE&L smelled a dog – and we were more or less right. The Invasion
Box Office Returns: $12 million domestic/ $13 million worldwide
Rotten Tomato Rating: 20%
SE&L’s Prediction – Right on the Mediocre Money
It’s never a good sign when a movie is retooled by reshoots. Adding insult to obvious injury, the original director of this dung didn’t get to foster the fixes. Such a bifurcated approach, accented by a dismal take on some otherwise potent allegory fodder, resulted in one lax, lumbering movie. Nicole Kidman is completely wrong for the role of agitated outsider. She’s more ice queen than activist. Daniel Craig is relegated to playing possum, and the rest of the cast is practically non-existent. Even worse, there’s no real villainy here. The aliens don’t have a master plan beyond rendering everyone on Earth benign. After that, their motives are meaningless. So loss of emotion is our clash catalyst. Not the greatest reason for a war of the worlds. Figuring this would fail was obvious – by how much is still amazing.
Sorry We Didn’t Warn You
Looking back, especially with the tentative 20/20 vision of such hindsight, SE&L slipped up and forgot to mention a few apparent atrocities in the making. While we apologize for failing in our early warning ways, we can still step up and do a little backseat driving. Had we been in our right mind, and remembered that entire list of Summer’s specials, we might have had these half-baked hunks of cinematic sludge as part of our previous piece. But again, we dropped the ball, so kindly give us a break. This trio of tripe should have been part of the prognostication:
Rush Hour 3
Perhaps we gave Jackie Chan too much credit. Maybe Chris Tucker’s cultural disappearing act clouded our memory of his motor-mouthed mediocrity. It could also be a case of Brett Ratner redeeming himself with decent efforts like Red Dragon and X-Men: The Last Stand. Whatever it is, SE&L let this one slip under the radar, and we’re the worse for wear because of it. This atrociously unfunny effort has officially killed the buddy pic.
Shrek The Third
Maybe we missed the memo, but when was it announced that the Shrek franchise was about to become the Lord of the Rings of the retarded. This never ending series is starting to show some major wear, and this uninspired middle act is a perfect illustration of such slippage. Lacking anything close to context, it’s just a bunch of riffs and pop culture references tossed together, treading water until Part 4 comes along.
El Cantante
If she hadn’t done so before, Jennifer Lopez has formally destroyed her remaining box office credibility. This misguided biopic of salsa superstar Hector Lavoe decides to forego its central subject to focus almost exclusively on the musician’s manic wife, played in full shrew mode by you know who. Lopez is so stifling, so prickly and problematic that you wish it was her character that was doomed to die. Marc Anthony was actually good. His supposed better half proved poisonous.
