Dear TV Executives

A Few New Years Resolutions Notes for 2011

by Melissa Crawley

26 January 2011

Television executives should resolve to do a few things for me this year.

A new year means a new start and for many of us, resolutions. This year, I’ve decided that along with my usual resolve to break-up with sugar, others should resolve to do some things for me. This includes my mother, who should resolve to learn the difference between time zones when calling me and my dog, who should resolve to stop hopping up on the couch every time I leave the room.

Television can also do a few things for me. After all, I give it many hours of my week and it gives me—Animal Hoarding. So in the spirit of new beginnings, here are a few resolutions that television executives can make to improve my time spent with the small screen:

  • Tell me what The Event is. This show is not Lost. It does not deserve six seasons to reveal its mysteries. (On second thought, I’m not sure I still care what ‘the event’ is).

  • Bring Aaron Sorkin back to TV. His script for The Social Network should be enough to forgive him for leaving The West Wing.

  • Demand more creativity from scriptwriters. Do I really need to see Patricia Arquette wake-up-startled-from-a-vision at least five times per episode of Medium? Or listen to Tyra Banks give the same introduction before every elimination round of America’s Next Top Model?

  • Please convince Steve Carell not to leave The Office and make Maggie Q drink a few protein shakes so those scenes where she fights bad guys ten times her size on Nikita seem even remotely possible.

  • Give me more of the kinder, gentler Gordon Ramsay. MasterChef made me want to hug him, just a little.

  • Feature more real doctors and less ‘real’ housewives.

  • Fire the person who decided that the seven month wait between season one and season two of V was a good marketing idea. 

  • Stop filming anyone with the last name Kardashian. I’ve seen them in three states, already. Maybe send them on an extended holiday and resist the temptation to tape it for my viewing pleasure.

  • Never broadcast anything that has to do with brides competing for plastic surgery prizes. Do I really need to explain how many ways this is wrong?

  • Do not showcase celebrities while they are performing routines on ice. While we’re on the subject, please redefine the term “celebrity” as used on this show.

  • Produce an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition that a) doesn’t reduce me to tears and b) imposes a moment of silence on Ty Pennington.

  • Rehabilitate the image of New Jersey by just saying no to more seasons of Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious and The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Just because Barbara Walters said Snooki and the rest of Jersey Shore’s cast were some of 2010’s most fascinating people, doesn’t mean they really are.

If all these resolutions are just too hard for you to do, there’s only one that really matters: Make 2011 the year that Kate Gosselin’s 15-minutes of fame finally ends.

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