The 10 Insane Lessons Learned from 'Transformers

Dark of the Moon'

by Bill Gibron

6 July 2011

10 Examples of the Craziest, Most Cracked Concepts Ever Forwarded as "Normal" By a Proposed Mainstream Entertainment.
cover art

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Director: Michael Bay
Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Julie White, Kevin Dunn, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, Alan Tudyk

(Paramount Studios)
US theatrical: 29 Jun 2011 (General release)
UK theatrical: 29 Jun 2011 (General release)

They never cease to amaze, do they? No matter the amount of money spent or the specialization of the 3D F/X technology, Michael Bay’s massive Transformers films always find a way to shock and stun… and not with the movie material you expect. Sure, the splashy battles between giant alien robots are always impressive, as are the various standard action scenes which lead up to the metal melee, but it’s the little things, the pointless asides and scripted set-ups, which constantly challenge our concept of what a Summer blockbuster should deliver. In the past, Bay’s behemoth boy’s adventure tale has introduced us to mechanical testicles, softcore grease monkeys, inappropriate racial profiling, and a sense of humor so adolescent it makes Mad Libs seem sophisticated.

While not quite as blatant as its predecessors, the latest installment (entitled Dark of the Moon) does offer a few more halting head scratchers. Let’s face it, any movie which trots out Buzz Aldrin and then tries to tie his ‘60s walk on the lunar surface with a CG character played by Leonard Nimoy is functioning on its own insular cloud of clueless geek. Even among all the smoke, explosions, mirrors, and implied car commercials, we discover more surreal lessons that only Bay and his buddies can teach us. Listed below are the 10 craziest, most cracked concepts ever forwarded as “normal” by a proposed mainstream entertainment. While not always obvious, what is clear is that, as part of a typical genre dynamic, the Transformers’ films view the cinematic universe in a skewed, screwed way, beginning with the following financial reality:

The Economy Sucks - Even for Interplanetary War Heroes

As he says numerous times in the film, a half-pint former hero can’t catch a career break. Instead of setting him up in some sweet government gig or letting him work with the machines that first befriended him (and he them) sorry little Sam Witwicky is stuck pounding the pavement and pulling in zero professional dollars. So what f he saved planet Earth from All Spark/Matrix inspired mania and helped revive the important Optimus Prime when it looked like the Fallen would hump the pyramids into the apocalypse. Doesn’t matter in today’s cutthroat climate.

The Economy Doesn’t Suck for Vacant, Vapid Supermodels

On the other hand, if you look like a stick thin Barbie doll reject with a mannequin’s rack and a facial expression that resembles a brain dead albino raccoon, it’s all upward mobility and swanky DC digs. The comely (?) Carly Spencer may be less of a tomboy blow-up doll as the pariah she replaced, but that doesn’t mean that her string of high profile jobs were well earned or even deserved. In fact, for every slight effort her boy toy Sam makes to forward his financial well being, his woman walks suggestively and winds up with a corner office.

Rich Businessmen Can Make Any Enterprise Work - Even a Pointless Car Museum

And who would give a lingerie model with the IQ of a penguin and the personal presence of sheetrock such a high profile professional calling card? Why, a glorified accountant who has somehow turned his family business into a personal plaything, that’s who. Patrick Depmsey’s Dylan Gould may end up being an important part of the whole Decepticon take over, but initially, he comes across as a rejected host option for the unnecessary US version of Top Gear. His dream? To showcase his own egomaniacal need for speed via a building sized exhibition of his questionable CEO acumen while selling out the planet.

The Jersey Shore is the New South Central

In Revenge of the Fallen, audiences had to suffer through a pair of automotive hate crimes known as Mudflap and Skids (because Amos and Andy and Leroy and Skillet were already taken…). With their jive talk and haphazard hip hop attitude, it was like watching a motorized minstrel show. Wisely, Michael Bay dropped these fuel injected abominations and substituted something slightly less offensive (and less likely to complain) - a couple of gearbox goombahs named Brains and Wheelie. With their wise guy attitude and patter, they’re one six pack step away from their own ‘situational’ MTV side project.

Megatron Obviously Said Something in the Press About Hitler

Much has been made recently of producer Steven Spielberg’s demand that former hottie Megan Fox be fired for a comment she made in comparing director Bay to a certain fiendish Fuhrer. Clearly, name checking the king Nazi himself doesn’t get you invited back to the Summer popcorn party. So what, exactly, did former villain Megatron tweet about the filmmakers and the Third Reich? At one time, this evil robot was the main threat to everything the Autobots stood for. Now, he’s a broken down (and parasite ridden) afterthought, slinking around the fringes of the film, looking for a purpose.

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