5 - 1
Oh, dear. “This time, it’s personal.” Really? SERIOUSLY? How did we, as a society, let this pass? How was it that red flags didn’t go up over a film about a shark with a personal vendetta against the family of the guy who killed his/her family? Or, was this supposed to be the same shark? The producer’s decided to skip over Jaws 3-D, thankfully, in an attempt to jump start the franchise. Oh boy did they ever succeed in the exact opposite of what they intended to do. Needless to say, the opening scene where poor little Sean Brody (who grew up to be quite the handsome strapping young lad taking after his father) is literally torn limb from limb whilst investigating a tangled log, was a pretty effective and stylish little scene. But that’s about it. I dare to you decipher what exactly happens at the end of this film… go on, I dare you!
Apparently the connection between Rachel and her half-sister Carrie is so deep that the taunts from Carrie’s mom transcend generations. When Rachael finally goes haywire, it’s Carrie’s mother’s taunt of “they’re all gonna laugh at you” that plays in the soundtrack. More of a half-assed remake then a sequel, this film managed to trivialize the serious exploits of a religiously and socially tortured young girl who was pushed to the brink of insanity. Rachael in this film is teased(!) to the point of insanity(!). Not to belittle this type of experience, but it pales in comparison to the truly terrifying life of Carrie White, and almost excuses the psychotic behaviour of superbly self-aware teenagers who use teasing as an excuse for poor decisions. Not to mention it wasted the possibility of a creepy cameo performance from Amy Irving.
The power-ballad monologue delivered by Dana Kimmel near the end of the film is the most hilarious monologue ever put to film. I mean EVER!. Friday the 13th Parts one and two are companion pieces, much like Halloween and Halloween II, unfolding a disturbing story of a crazy protective mother and her equally crazy son. Part three attempted to gimmick up the joint with bad 3D effects that in time have turned into one of the funniest movies ever. The guy at the beginning getting it on the toilet, the self-deprecating Shelly who in every scene needs to mention how ugly he is, the “stud-muffin” Rick (who’re more a lover than a fighter), the perpetually stoned dudes, those bikers(!), and oh dear god that monologue!—it’s fantastic.
To me, this is truly the worst Exorcist entry in the franchise. Released 14 years after the wonderfully disturbing, but ultimately box-office bomb, The Exorcist III: Legion, this film was plagued right from the get go. Morgan Creek spent a reported $80 million to make this film twice. Anxious that the slow burn psychological drawl of Paul Schrader’s Dominion didn’t have the “pow” that they were expecting, they hired hack director Renny Harlin to right these supposed wrongs. What resulted? The most expensive piece of crap ever filmed. This film is implausible, boring, and ludicrous with its attempt to infuse a “who’s-really-possessed” mystery into the mix. Part two may have been bad, but it’s this film that secured the nail in the coffin of this weirdly unsuccessful franchise from what is known as the “scariest movie ever”.
Halloween: H20, or more aptly Halloween: Water, skipped over entries four through six in an attempt to restart a fading franchise, but mainly because no one really watched parts four to six. However, as quickly as that jump start happened, it died one entry later. The only saving grace of this film is the opening 18 minutes that over explain the ending of H20 and drive Myers into the insane asylum where sister Laurie Strode is now staying of her own accord. Everything else is pure and utter garbage, complete with stunt casting of the most annoying kind (who in the world thought casting Busta Rhymes or Tyra Banks would be a good idea?), and an amateurish attempt to latch on to the “reality” craze that was sweeping the small screen. But mainly, this entry is a monumental failure due solely to Busta Rhymes’ involvement, who looks and acts like he’s just saying and doing whatever comes to mind and showing the biggest disrespect to one of the scariest movie monsters in horror film history. It’s insulting. Not to mention, you never actually see Tyra Banks die!
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Honorable mentions that didn’t make the final cut: Urban Legends: Final Cut, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, Child’s Play 3, Jason X, Poltergeist II: The Other Side, Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh, and The Grudge 2.