The sort of competent rapper that would have stayed well-fed in the late ‘90s, when scores of big beat also-rans strived to be the next Apollo 440 or Lo Fidelity Allstars, Skiggy Rapz has undeniable ambition. Tragically, the Dutchman’s zeal and pulsating positivity yields exponentially more cringes than cheers on Satellites.
Something this strategically commercial and unreservedly saccharine shouldn’t sound so downright dreadful in the execution. An abominable amalgamation of rap cliches with outright gibberish, “Shilly Tilly” could liberate hostages in a bank heist if played loud enough. The title track mawkishly mimics Lupe Fiasco’s “Superstar” like above average karaoke, its diabolically mechanical chorus dependent on Tienus’s insistently cruel yelp.
The weaponized schmaltz never lets up, from Skiggy’s pleading proposals to an apparently French love interest on “T.A.N.Y.A.” to the ‘90s-referencing New Order synths of “Superhoney”. On the almost hilariously self-serious confessional of “Natural Born”, he confesses to his shortcomings such as an “average” sized penis. Surely there’s myriad better ways to spend 49 minutes than with Skiggy Rapz. Slobodon Milosevic had more fun at the Hague.