Garmiani: Rumble EP

In the fragmented remains of the music business infrastructure, whole worlds exist outside reliable knowledge. In one such, Garmiani has been DJ, producer, artist, club promoter and musician, had a #1 billboard single, won music awards – presumably in various guises as he’s only been called Garmiani since his 2012 relaunch (odd term, as if he were a Gordon Ramsey restaurant), since which he’s had a #1 Trackitdown single, is a sought-after remixer, was featured on the first Marquee compilation, released a single on “legendary” label Magik Muzik, is set to headline the Dim Mak stage at Tomorrowland and naturally already has a remix of this EP out! The Rumble EP is apparently enjoyed by such equally mystifying inhabitants of that world as Steve Aoki (who Garmiani is to remix), Hardwell, Afrojack, Knife Party, Chuckie, Dimitri Vegas & Like Mike, Tommy Trash, Thomas Gold and more.

Nearly all of which means next to nothing outside this musical world but can perhaps hint at the relentless, mechanistic meaninglessness of the thrusting title track. “Rumble” is a cartoonish, bombastic and intriguing piece which raised my expectations only for them to sink steadily over the remaining nine minutes. During that time Garmiani adds formulaic, athletic-ethereal female vocals and a slappy, rootless, quasi-militaristic unfunkiness – with several passages about as soulful as being pursued by robotic river-dancing leprechauns banging sticks of metallic rhubarb. On the last track he too easily squanders the marvelous spacious contrast of the simple cool riff, seemingly played by the digital equivalent of a melodica run through an Etch-a-sketch, before the crass urging to “Dance Motherfucker” completes the counterproductive spiral. Doubtless another smash hit in this parallel universe, then.