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Hog Molly

Kung Fu Cocktail Grip

(Kool Arrow)

With a title like that, it’s gotta be cool…right? Right?!

The answer to that is NO. No, no, and again -– no. Hog Molly is another brash and abrasive band out of Seattle that tries its best to rock things up under a pile of heavy guitars and throaty vocals but ultimately comes up short in the entertainment department. That being said, it’s time once again for another patented Hard Rawk Dissection by yours truly. This time the microscope and scalpel will peel apart Kung Fu Cocktail Grip for your reading pleasure. Oh, the things I do for you lovely readers!

If you didn’t know (and you probably didn’t, which is why I’m telling you), Hog Molly is fronted by Seattle “legend” Tad Doyle who apparently helped form the whole Seattle grunge scene with his band Tad back in 1989. You know, they did the whole Sub Pop thing, shmoozed with Butch Vig and Steve Albini, the usual. Got picked up and dumped by various major labels like RCA and Warner Brothers and did the entire crash and burn action while all the other Seattle bands reaped the rewards (or so Hog Molly’s bio on the Kool Arrow website would have you believe).

So yes, Tad is back with this band Hog Molly on Kool Arrow, rocking things up again and not really rocking out at all over the course of the 14 songs that make up Kung Fu Cocktail Grip. Big surprise? Hardly! Chuck Hog Molly into the same old pile of “We play heavy riffs and sing in a throat-shredding fashion, therefore we assume we rock.” You know a band like this has to be good when you see their CD being sold for next to nothing in used stores and online retailers. Ah yes, my friends. You have seen this song and dance before.

With groups like these, discussing the actual music is entirely beside the point. When all the songs wash the same, there’s no need in wasting anyone’s time picking apart why riff A in “Mr. Right” kicks bigger ass than riff B in “Bitch Slapper”. They’re both the same in reality because bands like these have no flair for playing from anything other than their balls. Not that I mind ballsy rock, but when it produces nothing but testosterone-filled hijinks that climax within the first song on the album, who cares? Great, your singing is as distorted as your guitar. You and everyone else who can’t figure out how to genuinely rock without covering up your limitations in a sponge bath of screaming and done to death riffs.

If it’s worth it to you, I’ll point out that the rest of the band features Tyson “Satan” Garcia on bass, Marty Chandler on guitar, and Jason “Slimmy D Diabolis” on drums. Together, they play ridiculous songs like “Fuck The Red Lights” and “Blood Pusher”. Bang your head if you must to such thoroughbred lyrics as “Fuck the red lights / Fuck the red lights / Fuck the red lights / And pop the clutch / Gonna crash little baby right now / Gonna crash little baby right now / Wait wait wait.” Damn, that’s swell. But what do you expect? It seems so quaint now that the PMRC took such great lengths to sticker offensive albums back in the ‘80s. I think they’d have been better off just having someone come up with a “Parental Advisory –- Incredibly Stupid Music and Lyrics” sticker instead.

So rock on, Hog Molly. Or try to, anyway. I’m sure the legions are screaming for “Alcohog” and “Hogchronicity”. You bet. Of course, I knew not to take you seriously from the get-go when your press kit read “The man who brought the world such renowned classics as God’s Balls and 8-Way Santa is back, rejuvenated and refueled with his new band, Hog Molly and a sound so deeply entrenched in anti-mainstream-isms, one cannot help but listen and be charmed by its simplistic and ultra-heavy tones!” Simplistic, yes. Heavy? Hardly. More like “ultra-goofy”. Keep away from this one, kids. However, I am selling my copy on currently for a cool eight bucks. Any takers?

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