What Not to Wear

Trinny Woodall and Susannah Constantine, the no-nonsense hosts of What Not to Wear, are not your friends. “Your best friends won’t tell you what not to wear,” Susannah says at the start of the program, a BBC cult hit now seen on BBC America. “But we’re not your friends,” Trinny chimes in crispy, with a menacing smile. “And we will.”

For those remade on What Not to Wear, the experience is a bit like being punk’d by Ashton Kutcher. They don’t volunteer, and most of them don’t even realize they are fashion emergencies. They’re nominated by their so-called “closest friends” and, in some cases, their husbands and children, who complain that Mum isn’t as stylish or as sexy as she used to be, could be or should be.

A hidden camera captures the women pre-makeover, in baggy sweats, wrinkled big shirts, ill-fitting tank tops, and unflattering underwear. All the while, Trinny and Susannah sit in the studio, shaking their heads sadly. So many victims, so little time.

After deciding what must be done, the pair hop into their Mini and ambush the target, who is usually surrounded by the “friends” and family who nominated her. The subject is on camera from the moment Trinny and Susannah’s hopping begins, and they encourage her to discuss her feelings with the audience. “I’m going to kill all my friends,” one woman says at the start. “Absolutely beastly women,” says another who has been reprimanded for poor choices in mid-shopping spree. “Just beastly.”

Each week, the hosts make over a frumpy 30something housewife or a dowdy working woman with their own brand of “cruel to be kind” fashion advice. The woman must turn over her wardrobe and any semblance of self-esteem in return for a $3,000 shopping spree. She must also follow the Trinny and Susannah Fashion Rules.

These vary from woman to women, but there are a few constants. First, don’t be afraid to flaunt what you’ve got, tastefully. Second, creatively hide less flattering body parts (say, big hips or a small chest), and third, put a little color into your wardrobe. They really hate black, a fact that would put them at odds with half the women in America, although it doesn’t seem to be a problem across the pond.

Trinny and Susannah are unafraid. They will tell a woman she needs a new brassiere to accent her breasts or a long jacket to hide her huge bottom. They’re like those cruel high school cheerleaders who pass merciless judgments on the rest of the class, but they’re also like Cher in Clueless, who sees it as her mission to help the fashion-impaired. Any woman who has ever been shopping with her mother will relate to scenes of the pair running into a dressing room, cameras in tow, shouting for all the world to hear, “Take that dress of now! It makes you look absolutely hideous!”

What Not to Wear is fun because the mavens haven’t caught up with you — not yet. You can sit at home in your yoga pants and Gap t-shirt, nodding along with Trinny and Susannah. “Oh my god,” you can say from the comfort of your couch, “The mini-skirts are so wrong for her,” or “They told her not to buy cropped jackets. She’s in trouble now.” Getting caught red-handed with an unbecoming blouse on What Not to Wear is worse than being caught passing notes in seventh grade math class.

It’s easy to see yourself in those makeover subjects, standing in the French Connection boutique, trying to decide on the beige top or the navy blue. Most are so nervous, they break one of the Rules or become paralyzed with fear. “I don’t know if the girls will like this,” they tell the camera, “but I like it and I’m going to try it on.” It’s usually at this point that “the girls,” who are watching on a monitor in a nearby coffee shop, will rush in for some urgent fashion intervention.

Of course, some subjects resist. They like black trousers, they don’t want to wear a white suit. But Trinny and Susannah will have none of it. This is what redeems both the presenters and the program: they bluntly tell women when they look terrible, but the entire point of What Not to Wear is to remedy that, within a clear framework. They honestly believe their fashion rules work. They maintain that every woman can look good in the right clothes. It’s almost sweet, the way Trinny will routinely bolt out of the dressing room in a passionate search for an armful of Rules-conforming clothes. It’s clear she truly believes her choices will make the slightly annoyed and very self-conscious woman back in the dressing room look stunning.

This could be one reason why there are no tears on What Not to Wear. There’s no doubt that Trinny and Susannah can dish it out, but even their most difficult subjects realize that they do mean well, despite the tough talk. Trinny and Susannah appear to want to help, or at least impose their taste successfully and lastingly. In one episode, the target ditches all the new clothes and goes back to her old wardrobe. Watching on the TV monitor, Trinny looks crushed, like a teacher with a gifted pupil who refuses to study. “Maybe I’ll take another look at these clothes later,” the woman tells the camera. “I just don’t feel ready now.” Trinny, curled up in a funk on her couch, brightens a little upon hearing this.

Most of the women do like their new looks (at least that’s what they tell the camera) and they do look “better” — more tailored, more chic, maybe even a little happier. Trinny and Susannah say they are trying to “style the nation.” And indeed, viewers can pick up bits of no-nonsense fashion wisdom. Recently, I was shopping with a friend and held up an outfit for her opinion. “Trinny and Susannah would slap you silly if you bought that,” my friend replied. I put it right back.