Danny Wood: Second Face

Attention music fans: What’s worse than Justin Timberlake pretending to be Michael Jackson (something Corey Feldman did much better)? How about a former New Kids on the Block member cutting a new album and pretending that he still has an audience? Yes, I’m sad to say that former Bowser (of Sha-Na-Na for those who may be too young to recall) look-alike Danny Wood is coming your way this July (this album has been pushed back for months now; its original release was supposed to have been in April) with a brand new album called Second Face. Even as the last vestiges of boy group pop and boy group members trying to break away and become “manly” disappear over the ridge, Danny Wood is not afraid. No, he’s here to sell you his new image and weaksongs.

It’s times like this when getting an advance copy of an album makes you want to jump for joy. You’re one of the few who gets to offer the first words on something no one else has (or possibly wants, for that matter). Suffice it to say when Kylie Minogue’s Fever landed in my lap a month or so before it was ready to ship, I knew it was going to be a big hit. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for Danny’s album. After all, Jordan Knight and Joey McIntyre already blew their second winds on comeback albums that fared just slightly better than Bryan Austin Green’s musical disaster. And now with Joey going on to acting to follow in Donnie Wahlberg’s semblance of on-screen success, you may continue to ask yourself why? I have no idea.

It’s possible those 30-something females who still love NKOTB will rush out and buy this one right away. So that’s about 50 copies right there. The best thing about the advance copy of this album I received the press kit that is printed on the opposite side of the CD sleeve. The best part reads:

One of the most popular guys from the group [NKOTB] was Danny Wood. He was the one that the girls would melt over. A teen no more, Danny is all grown up sporting body piercings, tattoos and a whole lot of ripped muscles . . . Danny felt that his first solo record should be special and did not want to rush anything. The result is a fine mix of pop, alternative and mainstream sound that will surely bring back his old fans from the NKOTB years.

OK, so point one is, forget the music, Danny’s all tattooed, pierced, and ripped, automatically making him a legit contender in today’s “serious” pop music world. Point two is . . . what I said before, only the old fans are going to buy this thing and then promptly dump it on Amazon.com for about a dollar. Viva commercial by product!

The first track on the album, “Home” is being played on New York’s WLIR, so maybe some of you have already been assaulted with this “new” sound. Dig it as phased, gurgling guitars with electronic backbeat open the track. It’s a strength and love ballad of sorts, with Danny telling you that “Here I am / I’m all alone / I’m fighting back / I’m broken and I’m torn / There isn’t much that I have shown / I don’t know if I can make it home”. Great. The “I’ve been down and out but now I’m back to hopefully rule” theme that so many other also-rans making a comeback have recorded before. Danny sings pleasantly and the music is typical Top 40 bile synthesized in a studio by a bunch of producers and faceless studio guys that are undoubtedly going to make more coin from this than Danny himself.

Danny wrote all these songs with help from producer Pete Masitti. The second track, “When The Lights Go Out” must have been written mostly by Danny. Check out such great lines as “We’re not as different as you think / Things could be different, don’t you think”? Ugh! And then “When we get together shouldn’t it make it better? / I wanna be your lover when the lights go out”. Guitars try to rock and keyboards try to sound sexy. It doesn’t work.

This is the kind of music that sells bottles of Coke. The production is so smooth, the songs so hastily written as to only support about 20 seconds of interest. When Danny sings of “Suburbia” (“Your parents gather on the weekends / In backyard barbecues / You’re sick and tired of their pretense / ‘Cause their focus is always on their booze”) the clueless light flashes bright and you instinctively begin to groan and your eyes roll back in your head. Damage control, please report.

And as if to prove once again that he’s too little, too late, Danny puts forth some Latin pop in the strains of “Molly”. C’mon, Danny. Your nemesis Ricky Martin has been turned over so many times on the grill now there’s hardly anything left. I’m surprised there wasn’t a grunge-infected track on here. However, Danny does sing a tune called “Wannabeme?” that is masquerading as a simpering attempt at humor. It wants you to think it’s about being tied down to a girl whose mother wants him to finally marry (damn, that real life always getting in the way), but it could just as easily be about Wood’s own past fame, and certainly works better that way. “How did I end up here? / Why does it feel like the end is near / It’s all happening way too fast, yeah / And I don’t think that I can last / You wouldn’t want to be me / She’s got me on my knees / It really sucks bein’ me! / It’s like an ugly disease / You wouldn’t wanna be me”. I’ll let that speak for itself.

Second Face is filled with sixteen tracks and clocks in over an hour (the final release is supposedly going to tag two more onto the disc). This is way too much Danny. As someone who was tortured with the New Kids’ popularity their first time around, seeing these guys trying to do it separately is almost just as painful. Before you had to take them as a goofy group with no cred (remember when they did “No More Games” during their first tenure and then attempted the NKOTB comeback in the early ’90s?), now having to hear them individually, the proof that they were all vapid in musical talent shines through even more. Why these ex-Kids try to reclaim any musical territory is beyond me, as it was never about the music to begin with. It was about the look, the products, the screaming girls. In the end, Danny Wood and Second Face will be the dying epitaph that should have been issued four years ago when it might have stood a chance. Now, it’s just crumbs in the wind. No amount of tattoos or piercings can hide the fact that this is the same old song and dance. The Right Stuff? Only if you enjoy the taste of a sucker.