[15 May 2008]
McClatchy Newspapers (MCT)
If you’re not whipped into a frenzy that Harrison Ford is back for “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” it might be because you’ve forgotten the finer points of his three big-screen adventures in the 1980s.
But there’s no need to enroll in one of Professor Henry Jones Jr.‘s archeology classes. And before Harrison Ford’s other iconic Lucasfilm character Han Solo can snidely ask, “Where did you dig up that old fossil?” here is our handy salute to:
INDIANA JONES FROM A-Z
A. Hope you knew the ARK of the Covenant holds the original Ten Commandments. As Dr. Jones scolded two agents from Army Intelligence, “Didn’t you guys ever go to Sunday school?”
B. No matter how much you hate your job, getting crushed by a 22-foot BOULDER isn’t one of your occupational hazards.
C. “Temple of Doom” opens with a romp through the Shanghai nightspot CLUB OBI WAN. Wonder how Lucas came up with that name?
D. Want to find “The best DIGGER in Egypt?” We recommend Indy’s trusty sidekick Sallah (John Rhys-Davies).
E. How did Henry Jones Sr. (Sean Connery) know that Dr. ELSA Schneider (Alison Doody) was a Nazi? “She talks in her sleep,” he admitted, to Jones Jr.‘s (double) surprise.
F. Rene Belloq (Paul Freeman) is the FRENCH archaeologist who tries to help the Germans win the Ark. Gee, no political symbolism at work there ...
G. You think Henry Jones Sr.‘s GRAIL DIARY contains any Monty Python jokes?
H. Who would win in a fight - Indy’s HAT or Chuck Norris’ beard?
I. Why does Jones Sr. always refer to the son as “Junior”? Because they named the dog INDIANA.
J. If you ever stroll through a life-or-death “word of God” trap, don’t step on the “J” tile - in Latin, JEHOVAH begins with an I.
K. Grab a cult victim’s heart through his chest and Mola Ram’s to blame; he gives human sacrifices to KALI MA a bad name.
L. Helpful hint: When taunting the Chinese gangster LAO CHE about how you’ve escaped his clutches, don’t flee on a plane marked “Lao Che Air Freight.”
M. MARCUS Brody (Denholm Elliott) is Indy’s valued academic consigliere, even though the nerdy curator “once got lost in his own MUSEUM.”
N. For the countless times Indy has traded punches with the Third Reich, it’s the ultimate understatement when Indy mutters, “NAZIS. I hate these guys.”
O. No telling where Indy’s personal ODOMETER was set when he said this about his globetrotting: “It’s not the years, it’s the mileage.”
P. Think Cole PORTER ever imagined “Anything Goes” would open a movie - sung in Mandarin?
Q. Child actor Ke Huy QUAN lived two ultimate dreams of `80s boyhood: being Indy sidekick Short Round and one of the “Goonies.”
R. Keeping up with the Jonses means keeping up with the RAVENWOODS: Abner was Indy’s mentor, while daughter Marion (Karen Allen) was Indy’s squeeze.
S. “SNAKES. Why did it have to be SNAKES!?”
T. Nefarious Nazi TOHT (Ronald Lacey) kept the heat on Indy and Marion throughout “Raiders” - until his face melted.
U. Young Indy called UTAH home in 1912, when he was in the Boy Scouts.
V. Even after escaping from being burned to death next to hundreds of rats in a catacomb, Indy can step out of the sewer and admire, “Ah, VENICE.”
W. Crack that WHIP! Indy would have been 81 years old when Devo’s new wave anthem “WHIP It!” snapped onto the charts in 1980.
X. The treasure map cliche “X marks the spot” came true for Indy in the marble floor of a Venice library.
Y. Of the 44 made-for-TV episodes of “The YOUNG Indiana Jones Chronicles,” Harrison Ford sports a beard in his one appearance - he filmed it during a break from “The Fugitive.”
Z. If only 21st century TSA inspectors could get passengers in line the way Indy did by throwing a Nazi officer off a ZEPPELIN and barking two words ... “No ticket!”