A Twi-Haters Guide to Twilight: Part 1 - The Ten Reasons Twilight is the Scariest Franchise Ever!
Ten Reasons Why You Should Be Afraid of Twilight, Twi-Hater...Very Afraid Indeed!
In the world of Twilight, there are two kinds of competing clans. No, we aren't talking about the bats and the big dogs, Team Edward or Team Jacob. Heck, we're not even addressing Native Americans vs. treaty-busting European interlopers. No, if you are in tune with the stunted Stephenie Meyer and her primer on plaintive teen angst and pale complexions, you are known as a "Twilighter" (or on some circles, a "Twi-liker", "Twi-lover", or clinically insane). You swoon as lead adolescent Bella burns silently for her vampire hunk, get all hot and twisted as the couple considers intimacy, and gnash your various underthings as the equally studly were-wow with the washboard abs constantly confuses the issue. You probably could care less about the vampire council, the various old vendettas, and the birth of bizarro half-breed babies. Instead, for you, Twilight is all about a girl, an otherworldly dreamboat guy, and the wish fulfillment fallacy of finding never-ending love in someone who can never die.
Of course, for those who aren't suffering from crushes on creatures from the underworld, we have the "Twi-haters" (or "Twi-WANTSTOWIPETHESHITTYFRANCISEOFFTHEFACEOFTHEEARTH", or the normal). For them, vampires are blood sucking ghouls, not sparkly diamond draped hotties. For them, romance doesn't begin or end with the draining of vital fluids. For them, the scholastic experience was not a time to get your supernatural Sadie Hawkins on. For the "Twi-hater", Meyer has made a mockery of the macabre, turned horror into a Harlequin romance (without Barbara Carlton's mandatory bodice ripping), and excused introspective pubescent self-loathing as a means of meeting Mr. Paranormal Right. Aside from how utterly crappy the books and movies have been, the "Twi-hater" has to deal with the mindless shrieks of the clearly hard-up, defend their position against the irrational logic of the terminally lovelorn ("Bella loves Edward because he is unobtainable. Their love can kill each other!" Brother), and watch as yet another crotch-oriented fad takes the place of boy bands and bulimia.
Still, Twi-haters have to be aware of a few things, precautionary measures if you will, if you are to survive the coming onslaught. On 30 June, the latest installment of the motion picture version of the series - Eclipse - will be hitting theaters, and with it, a wealth of meaningless media summoned hyperbole. There will be cast and crew interviews, last known photo ops for people who are actually waiting in line for the film to premiere, a trillion tasteless tie-ins ("Tonight on Action News at 11 - Real Life Vampires in Our Area: What do THEY think about Twilight..."), and at least one major reference to Rob Pattinson's hair and/or Taylor Lautner's physique per news cycle. Sad, really, especially when you consider that, on its own, there are at least ten significant reasons why the franchise is the most frightening thing to happen to our society since Lady GaGa soiled Jerry Seinfeld's Mets luxury box. Tapping into these truths may help you deal with what will surely be a lot of name calling, finger pointing, and fey himbo hurtfulness.
So without further ado, here are ten reasons why you should be afraid of Twilight, Twi-hater...very afraid indeed.
#1 - It's Tapped Into a Totally Different Kind of Geek
#2 - It's Made Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner Into Stars
#3 - It's Compelled Stephenie Meyer to Write More
#4 - It's Made Anne Rice Look Like a Genius
#5 - It's Infiltrated All Facets of Popular Culture
#6 - It Continues to Fuel Unresolved Vampire/Werewolf Tensions
#7 - It's Turned 'Prince Charming' Into the Prince of Darkness
#8 - It Fails to Accurately Portray High School
#9 - It's Really Nothing New - Right, Dark Shadows?
#10 - It Proves That Bela Lugosi Had a Right to Be a Drug Addict