Air Conditioning: Weakness

Air Conditioning
Level Plane

Allentown shits and this is what it sounds like. — A review by “The Kid” on Level Plane’s web site for Air Conditioning’s Weakness.

It’s times like these I’m glad we get free music to review. I’d like whatever time spent listening to this rotten work of noise back now, thank you. And now I must present my analysis of Air Conditioning and Weakness. What can I say, except that Metal Machine Music has been done already, and even it’s better than this album. You know what really makes Weakness pale in comparison? It actually has a rhythm. It has a percussive beat. It was actually released.

So let’s cover the bases, shall we? We are told that “Air Conditioning operated on a scale much larger than the average rock unit or appliance. Telephone wires are used for string, hubcaps for picks, tree trunks for sticks”. OK, so we get that it’s heavy. And it is. It truly is. This album wouldn’t instantly shatter any snot-nosed kid’s million mega-watt subwoofer stashed in his Pinto’s trunk in five seconds. But that doesn’t mean it’s good. What Weakness sounds like is the worst loud, live and distorted concert you’ve ever heard coming from behind a venue’s closed doors from the outside.

It would be good if this junk was even pretentious, but it can’t even manage that. The boring distorted guitars, the screamed vocals, the distorted spoken bits over the distorted screamed vocals, ah, how I long for death by John Denver music at times like these. There is no point to this noise, other than, I would suppose, to cause whatever part of Allentown/Center Valley, PA these kids live in. And hey, I know that city pretty well as I have relatives there. As far as I know, Air Conditioning aren’t making much of an impact. But then again, Allentown isn’t really a hotbed of musical explosions, save for being the subject of Billy Joel’s best song (and you thought that fact would finally escape someone).

So what you have here are three tracks of monumental distorto-crank drudgery. The first “tune”, entitled “Accusation, denial, denali” is a mere 59 seconds long, but it’s enough to make you hate Air Conditioning instantly. Track two, the 23-minute test of patience called “Baby with a Graphite Soft Spot/Smooth Branches” is a better title than a song. Apparently these dudes are trying to outdo Swans, but why anyone would want that is beyond me. Everything here sounds like sheer white noise recorded by a couple kids who are bored out of their minds. And bored their music will make you as well. Anyway, “Welcome to Seaworld” is the final tune, clocking in at over 15 minutes and well, it starts out sounding like a cheesy laser gun battling it out with a train’s bell. Then all hell breaks loose again and the white noise returns. This goes on for the rest of the song.

Truly, since Lou Reed has blessed us all with Metal Machine Music years ago, there is no need for lousy attempts to re-create that glory such as this. Who wants to listen to Weakness? Probably only those who like to act like they’re above “normal” music and want to prove that they’re true outsiders by listening to the likes of this silliness. That probably boils down to the band members themselves and whatever friends they have who are willing to put up with this nonsense. In other words, no one else needs to waste their time on this album. So thank yours truly for wasting his and giving you a Get Out of Jail Free card. You’re welcome.