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Sticking Your Nose Into It

Kimberly Gadette

The Queen of Delectable Pastries offers some sound advice to a troubled piece of cheesecake.

To: Ms. Kate Moss

Re: Your Recent Photo Toot-Shoot for the Daily Mirror

Darling, let me be frank. You, with the little waist who's making such a big waste. Yes, you, the skinny-minny with the five-pound note stuck in your nose, you should only put those five pounds on your hips, it wouldn't hurt. And donate that rolled-up note, not that anyone would touch it, to all those hungry supermodels who actually want to eat.

Forgive me sweetheart, though you didn't ask, as a woman with a food empire, I've been in a lot of kitchens with a lot of heat, and I know a few things. Your mother, wherever she is, she isn't saying much, so you shouldn't mind? I'm going to open my mouth. As my husband Herbie always says, "So, nu? Everyone's entitled to your opinion."

Not that you should consider this a lecture... Merely a morsel of wisdom from the heart of yours truly, one Sara Lee, used to be Sarah Lebowitz but that didn't fit on the grocery store shelf labels so nice, so what are you going to do?

But enough about me. Let's take a good, hard look at you, and at the pros and cons of your current Things-Do-Not-Always-Go-Better-With-Coke lifestyle:

If you gave up the blow, the snow, whatever the glamour slang of the day is, you'd be tipping the scales in the pros, the positives, the upside, and you'd no longer risk losing your two-year-old daughter, your health, your career, or your reputation. England may have its issues with you but darling, I'm writing you from America, the land of the free to screw up, and we love to forgive the sinners as soon as they come clean. Look -- if America could forgive Roseanne for mangling the "Star Spangled Banner," forgiving you should be, forgive me for saying so, a piece of cake.

But if you keep "towing the line," then there would be some definite cons, such as that current ex-con boyfriend of yours, that Jack-of-No-Trades Doherty, the "Mr. Trouble with a Capital C." (Herbie says that that spells "Crouble" but he's missing my hipster reference to cocaine. But that's my Herbie � not the brightest, but a good provider like you wouldn't believe and not a bad dancer. Sorry, back to you.)

So you lose the ex-con � and by substituting your white powder for mine, you gain a little weight. Oy, such a downward spiral like you couldn't believe, like the spiraling streusel over my famous Butter Streusel Coffeecake which, by the way, you should help yourself to a piece, it wouldn't hurt. On second thought, why don't you take the whole cake � go ahead, use both hands � you can't miss with an 11.5 ounce box of delightfully moist layers of hand-twisted Danish pastry, swirled with a buttery filling and topped with the aforementioned streusel.

Whoops � the sugar got to my head. Where was I? Oh, yes, the other cons: You could also maybe stop the twitching for a few minutes, wouldn't that be a nice change?, and lose a shadow or two under those lovely, red-rimmed eyes. What, are you vying to become a Playboy Bunny? Because if so, you might need a little more rabbit meat, if you know -

"Mz. Sara, please! You ever hear of Southern manners?"

"No, and what's it to you, Mrs. Butterworth?"

"I'm just concerned that you miiight be hammering the child a bit too hard? Perhaps as hard as that hmmm... whatcha call it... oh that's right, that pound cake of yours."

"And I suppose you have the answers, Mrs. Maple Tits?"

"I'll ignore that hurtful remark. Let me talk to the child for one lil' minute, won't you, Mz. Sara?"

Sweet cheeks, this is Mrs. Butterworth writin' in, and I think it could be all that British cookin' that's been makin' you lose your taste for food. Why not try some of my homemade pancakes with my world famous syrup-

"Oh my God, Mrs. B! If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to horn in to sell your syrup. Shame on you! It's a shonda! You who call yourself a well-bred lady from the South."

And speaking of bread, darling Kate, I also happen to have a new line of fresh-baked goods. Let me send you over a few carbs of fresh bagels, rolls, breads, croissants, anything to add a few wafers onto your waif look. And I haven't mentioned our other sweets. Trade your nose candy for my mouth candy with my Sara Lee Triple Chocolate Fudge Brownie Bites. A 10-count, 6.75 ounce box, these brownie bites are special little indulgences of rich, moist brownies with a layer of luscious fudge, all dipped in creamy-

"Darling? Kate? Miss Moss? I have a feeling she stopped reading our letter, Mrs. Butterworth."

"My, my-would you look at what's just come a-crawling across the TV."

UNSUBSTANTIATED NEWS FLASH... Kate Moss seen canoodling with not one, but two new loves! The long and the short of it: The Jolly Green Giant and the Keebler Elf. Details on this late breaking story to be reported... whenever we feel like it.

"Mz. Sara, I think they're just usin' that poor child to push their products."

"And if you ask me, Mrs. B, plain and simple, that's just bad taste... Shall we do lunch?"

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