Spies Like Us, or, Not Just Anyone Can Be a Dick

To: Commander-in-Chief George W. Bush

From: Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau

Re: Heartfelt Congratulations from One Chief to Another

Dear Monsieur President:

Don’t think I haven’t noticed that your leadership skills are mirroring mine, you sly fox, you! Do not worry — I shan’t arrest you. Instead, I take it as a great compliment. I thought being Chief Inspector of La Sûreté Nationale was honor enough, but to serve as an inspiraci?n for the Leader of the Free World… ah! I am overcome.

We are both very busy and important men, so I’ll get right to the point.

Warrants Are for the Weak
Just like me, you stand firm in your resolve to all your detractors who think that eavesdropping is unwarranted (of course it’s unwarranted — if there were warrants, then everyone would know, and what would be the point of that?). You gave a perfect example in one Mr. Iyman Faris, a madman who was planning to blow up the Brooklyn Bridge. He is crafty — madmen always are. He now claims that his diabolic scheme of severing the cables wouldn’t have worked because of the bridge’s security and structure, and he called it off. He now claims your wiretap had nothing to do with his decision. He’s a lying swine.

You probably studied an earlier episode of mine, when I was visiting my favorite costume shop, and a bomb was delivered. It was a great surprise, since I wasn’t expecting it. What kind of a bomb, you ask? Why, the exploding kind.

Even though I understand that the NSA (a/k/a “No Such Agency” — how Your Right Honorable Bushness impresses me!) is continuously recording so many conversations that the population of a small third-world country working night and day without so much as a potty break would not be able to catch up, it doesn’t matter. Protecting your country from infidels is a very serious matter and, as I’ve often said, “everyone is under the suspicions.”

May I suggest that you punish the person who leaked this story about warrantless wiretapping via the NSA? It’s one thing to eavesdrop on an entire country — but for someone to tell on you? Next thing you know, some “Arnold Benedict” is going to make up some outrageous story that you spied on the United Nations just before you invaded Iraq in order to discover if you had a consensus! This simply can’t be true and I’ll tell you why: This may have escaped your notice, but the United Nations is anything but “united”. Look carefully, yes, use your magnifying glass, and you’ll see that there are both the Solomon Islands and the Marshall Islands. Aha! By their very nature, islands can’t be united! Idiots. Fools.

Dressing for Success
I assume you are familiar with my many superb disguises: The Hunchback, the Salty Sea Dog, the Priest, The Godfather, ah yes, the list goes on. I am flattered that you have chosen to follow in my footsteps (even when those footsteps are sometimes made while wearing high heels, yes?).

May I offer kudos to you on your recent foray into this field:

Your disguise as your mother when “she” went to the Astrodome in Houston was superb. Though you fooled everyone else, I knew it was you the minute you opened your mouth! How did I know? Aside from my brilliant mind, trained for the subtlest vocal inconsistency, no one but you, Your Royalness, are as forthright (as you foreigners say, you shoot with your hips). This quote about the Katrina victims could only be yours: “What I’m hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas… And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them.”

(A word to the wise: Keep your Mommy Costume hidden from your wife — unless this is exactly the sort of thing that might excite her. Ah, women… such beautiful, mysterious creatures. But forgive me, I digress…)

Your disguise as another fetching femme who swung the 2000 election your way, Florida’s Secretary of State Katherine Harris. And how did I guess? It was in the chest, Your Highness. Creating the bosom is a very delicate matter. One must be a master technician in adjusting the perfect balance, heft, shape and swing. I must report that the left mammilla was decidedly bigger than the right. Also, Ms. Harris’ make-up was extraordinarily thick — no woman actually looks like that, n’est-ce pas? How much fun you must have, watching the clueless swine still trying to figure out what happened in Florida. But from one masquerader to another: Your secrete is safe with me.

Bravo! Or shall I say, Brava!

More Training Tips
Though your progress is coming along beautifully, I’m sure you’ll welcome the few tips I have for your continued success:

When confronted with something that perhaps you don’t know… never let on. It shows weakness and your enemies will seize upon it! For example, think back to the episode when you were in that schoolroom reading My Pet Goat, and the Secrete Service men rushed in to tell you about the plane and the first tower of the World Trade Center. Instead of looking stunned, you should have said, “I know.” And when they told you about the second tower, you should have said even louder, “I know that, too.”

On the other hand, I heard that when some GOP leaders were recently voicing objections about the Patriot Act, you screamed at them when they had the nerve to bring up the US Constitution. I have it on good authority that you said, “Stop throwing the Constitution in my face! It’s just a goddamned piece of paper!”

Good work, Your Excellency. Now that’s showing them who’s who.

May I propose that these people are nothing more than buffoons. And when they talk about some case for impeachment, let them know that you’re the President, Crowned King of the Western World, and you can get fresh fruit imported whenever you damn well please!

I stand ready to advise you further whenever Your Majesty wishes,

Yours truly,

Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau