The Grindhouse's Greatest Hits
It's time to slap another nickel in the naughty jukebox as this month's look at outsider cinema celebrates the music that made the exploitation genre a decidedly different kind of 'aural' experience.
For the most part, exploitation films of the '50s-'70s sold their wanton wares with the usual raincoat crowd components: skin and sin. Your typical overworked white male, bloated from a capitalist combination of liquor, beef, and shame, didn't require subtlety or cinematic shadings in his erotic entertainment. He wanted bare bodkin and plenty of it.
Violence was also a viable way of getting the grindhouse gang in the mood, since beating a broad for no damn good reason apparently aided the sexual inadequate suburbanite in dealing with his depressed, defensive deviance. Yet, believe it or not, music was also used as a way to spike the common corporeal cavalcade. As part of the genre's cracked kitchen sink approach, anything was fair game: even the occasionally off-key pop song.
Sometimes, the inclusion of a tainted tune was done as a favor to a friend. Musicians or their mafia-backed managers usually had some investable money lying around, and for a little quid pro quo, a play-for-pay scenario was neatly arranged. In other instances, the music was treated as added production value. Many exploitation films could not manage true mainstream talent (no known celebrity was going to go gratuitous for the sake of a slim payday), so bolstering the soundtrack seemed like an ingenious way to make the movie more conventional than its otherwise carnal attributes would indicate. And then there were those nutty outsider auteurs who believed that any narrative facet they fancied including a totally inappropriate musical number was par for the perplexing course.
As a result, a great many of the classics in the exploitation genre contain misguided musical numbers; songs guaranteed to get both your toes tapping and your gag reflex responding with equal aplomb. Since there are so many examples to choose from, I will concentrate on the crème de la crap, the evil earworms that, once heard, are destined to dull your brain forever. In reverse order, we begin with:
#10: "Do the Jellyfish" from Sting of Death (1965)
How do you perk up your lackadaisical monster movie about a killer invertebrate? Why, call on a washed-up Neil Sedaka and enlist him in creating the latest dance craze. Director William Grefé was no dummy. He was well aware that the same drive-in demographic that would flock to his passion pit-proof production about murderous man-of-wars also loved that rebellious rock and/or roll, and he set about adding the necessary stomp to his otherwise worthless schlock. Unfortunately, Neil was yet to have "Love Will Keep Us Together" or "Bad Blood" in his sonic arsenal. Instead he dreamed up this obnoxious poolside production number that hoped to rival the 'Monkey'. Sadly, it made 'The Freddie' seem graceful.
#9: "The Next Time" from Blast-Off Girls (1967)
Herschell Gordon Lewis suffered from a similar sense of salesmanship as his fellow filmmaker Grefé. While crafting this obvious rip-off to a certain Fab Four's 'difficult day's evening', someone should have told the exploitation emeritus that his featured act should actually be able to sing and play. The Faded Blue, a kind of New Christie Minstrels on cough syrup, appeared as the The Big Blast, and they tried to pass off the failed four-part harmony of this disturbing drone as a solid Summer of Love hit. It didn't work. Not even a cameo from Colonel Harlan Sanders himself could sell this finger-licking flop.
#8: "Yipe Stripes!" from Teen-Age Strangler (1968)
A killer is stalking the adolescents from a local high school. So what do they all do to keep themselves safe? Why, they gather around the local soda shop and watch a barefooted bimbo (Stacey Smith) shout out a song about vertical (or horizontal) lines. Though the movie is far more memorable for a nutzoid nerd named Mikey who keeps whining incessantly over his brother's felonious fate, this otherwise minor musical moment was a nice bit of additional aural apocalypse. After likening herself to The Beatles and Peter, Paul and Mary, our bee-hived babe climbed on the food counter and attempted to wail a wacky salute to style. All we got was a rockabilly retread that should have been defense enough to any killer's homicidal urges.
#7: "It All Comes True" from Year of the Yahoo (1972)
It's really tough to pick just one song from Herschell Gordon Lewis' Face in the Crowd rip-off, what with real life professional hick harmonizer Claude King supplying the plentiful in-concert cornpone. While his ode to "Wicked Welfare" was a hilarious hambone anthem, this epic bit of balladry as balderdash won out in the end. As he learned the truth about the political machine manipulation behind his 'honest man' Senatorial candidacy, King stepped up to the podium for one last impassioned plea to the electorate. Like "Cat's in the Cradle" cooked in corn squeezings, this drippy ditty was the very definition of democracy in action. Our hero lost the vote, proving that the system does work.
#6: "The Female (is More Deadly Than the Male)" from Satan in High Heels (1962)
When a cut-rate carnival stripper steals her junkie husband's financial stash and flakes off to New York, one envisions a typical, tragic hard luck story. But it's the Big Apple that better get ready to run. Stacey Kane gave new meaning to the word 'bitch'. She apparently studied at Beelzebub's Studio for Method Meanness. After gaining employment as a nightclub singer, she proceeded to undermine the entire establishment. When she wasn't bedding her boss, she was teasing his tripwire son (poor lesbian manager Pepé didn't even get a second look). As if to accentuate her wickedness, Ms. Kane put on a schoolmarm's version of dominatrix gear and belted out the aforementioned admonishment. The riding crop rim shots seal the sonic scourging.
#5 "My Birthday Suit" from Jennie: Wife/Child (1968)
Remember that obnoxious novelty song "Shaving Cream", with its "almost said 'shit'" conceit? Well, "My Birthday Suit" was a lot like that fecal fluke, except not quite as clever nor as intelligent in its humor, either. Director James Landis had to find a way to jazz-up his otherwise ordinary Southern Gothic about a miserable old farmer, his far too young bride, and the brawny hired hand giving them both the big eye. His solution was simple: allow the audience to hear the internal monologue of the characters, and capture said thoughts in song! Thus we get this noxious nod to nudity. And what compelled our title character to sing this silly chantey? Why, she was skinny-dipping, of course.
#4: "Hot Nuts" from Too Hot to Handle (1950)
Granted, it wasn't an outright original. It was as basic Burly-Q as they came. But that doesn't mean the song is any less memorable. Since it was a full blown theatrical review captured by a single camera situated in the front row, Too Hot to Handle had to rely on it's performers to provide the thrills. And aside from the plethora of pulchritude presented by the strip tease "artists" (ah, the good old days of aesthetically acceptable clothes removal) we got the fantastic Jean Carter, doing her best innuendo-filled funny business. Like a less rude Rusty Warren, Ms. Carter crooned a personal testament to the audience's trouble with enflamed filberts piqued pecans charred cashews burning balls, all right and the results were resplendently risqué.
#3: "My Own Robot" from Swamp of the Ravens (1974)
Similar to how Grefé decided that his horror needed some hummable hokiness, Spanish moviemaker Manuel Caño realized that his zombie-filled necrophilia fest also required a little show tune support. The result was a subplot revolving around a Don Ho-like lounge singer, whose sole big hit was apparently a piece of pop poetry about worshipping a deceased automaton. And in case anyone thinks something was lost in the film's eventual translation into English, the android was right on stage with him. It even sang a solo verse! So Caño clearly intended it to be some sort of mangled metaphor. He even insertsed an experimentation scene, complete with bloody beating heart, inside this otherwise cheery supper club sonnet about the dangers of loving technology a little too much.
#2: "You Can't Fart Around with Love" from Roseland (1970)
One of the rare occasions where a song was seminal to the storyline, this ode to the odiferous nature of affection represented a pivotal plot point in Roseland. As our hero, a self absorbed singer with a one time promising career, sought LSD treatments for his poverty-row porn addiction, we flashback to the event that mangled his entire upward mobility. Appearing on The Ed Sullivan Show (quasi-convincingly realized in memory-enhancing monochrome), our crooner created quite a stir with his production number to poots. While the rest of the film was a flesh-filled freak-out with rampant religious overtones, this single song made this problematic parable a genuine grindhouse gem.
#1: "A Heart Dies Every Minute" from Doctor Gore (1973)
Nothing says rampant, bloody vivisection better than a bearded Roy Clark wannabe busting out a ballad belaboring the loss of a lover. Like Bigfoot with near perfect pitch, our meaty mountain of a musician, otherwise known as the beefy Bill Hicks, took us away from the sinister slaughter of the title character to remind us how affection is like a fatal itching in the blood pumper. Director J.G. Patterson, Jr., a one-time production assistant to Herschell Gordon Lewis, decided to make his own gore epic about a madman medico hoping to create the perfect woman. As he went about removing the necessary parts for his mistress mock-up, Hicks delivered a steakhouse performance worth witnessing over and over again. Even our title character agreed. It's the music he listened to while preparing for a date with the electric chair!