Call for Music Critics and Essayists: If you're a smart, historically-minded music critic or essayist, let your voice be heard by our quality readership.
Call for Music Critics and Essayists: If you're a smart, historically-minded music critic or essayist, let your voice be heard by our quality readership.
APPLY HERE APPLY HERE
APPLY HERE APPLY HERE
the-most-unintentionally-terrifying-love-songs-ever-written
Grunge Heart by © kuruneko from Shutterstock.com.

The Most Unintentionally Terrifying “Love Songs” Ever Written

From Van Halen to Dean Martin, some of the world's most beloved "love" songs are actually hideously sinister when you dig just below the surface.

Let’s face it, there is no dearth of disturbing “love songs” out there. From stalker odes to rapey hits to even murder ballads, they’re strangely all over the place. Most of these, however, are intentionally scary. The Beatles’ “Run for Your Life” is one of John Lennon’s many introspections into his own jealousy (luckily this time satirical in nature). Judas Priest’s “Love You to Death” is hardly your standard, sexy romance ballad but more of a, well, Judas Priest song. The Police have openly questioned why “Every Breath You Take” is a wedding favorite considering its theme of obsession and stalking. Alice Cooper’s “I Love the Dead” is self-explanatory. Eminem’s “Kim” is about the decidedly negative ramifications of ever saying “I Do” to becoming Mrs. Marshall Mathers.

But what about those love songs with unintentional weirdness? You know the kind that seem to start with good intentions until the lyrics flip, Freudian-like into a horrific hell that even Pinhead and his Cenobites would read and say “Okay, too much, man, too much.”

Following is a list of love songs that seem innocuous (at first) enough to become big hits, but after a more thorough investigation could have you reaching for the phone to call two shrinks; one for you and one for the lyricist in question.

1. “Love Walks In” is about aliens… and that’s not a metaphor.

Van Halen reached a whole new audience when Sammy Hagar joined the band after David Lee Roth’s departure, partially because of songs like 1986’s “Love Walks In”. While the band still rocked, these keyboard-infused ballads helped them dominate the Top Forty for much of the late ‘80s and early ‘90s and at first listen “Love Walks In” sounds a lot like their other, similar synth hits like “Dreams”, “Why Can’t This Be Love”, “When It’s Love” and “I Can’t Stop Lovin’ You”.

But taking a closer look at “Love Walks In”, we find a much more bizarre narrative, one of alien abduction, human slavery, insanity and disturbing alterations to life on Earth. In fact, it seems that Hagar wrote a fever-dream litany of complete and total X-Files horror and then stuck the words “Love come’s walking in” inexplicably in a few places and called it a love song.

It’s not. It’s not a love song.

The very first word in the song is “contact” of the kind that causes time displacement and revelations. As the lyrics progress, Hagar actually spells out what he’s talking about, saying “Some kind of Alien waits for the opening then simply pulls a string”. That’s some seriously direct and disturbing otherworldly mind control the guys are talking about there. I wish I could have seen the look on Eddie, Mike and Alex’s faces when Sammy unveiled this one to them.

Is that just an isolated event in an otherwise beautiful ballad? Yeah, like Star Wars has a few isolated moments in space. The song goes on to describe a woman in a silken gown awakened from her sleep and then abducted by a UFO with “silver lights shining down”. Meanwhile the speaker of the song is sleep deprived as he “travel[s] far across the Milky Way”. For what reason? The very next lyric indicates that this is so that he can become a slave to an alien master race as Earth is being altered somehow.

Does that sound like a love song? No. All that’s missing here is a chest-burster scene. The sole lyrics having anything to do with love are the incredibly incongruous “love comes walking in” phrase stuck haphazardly into the song with no connection to anything else in the story at all. A mismatch like this is tantamount to watching The Exorcist and seeing Father Dyer break the fourth wall, turn to the camera and say “And now, let’s talk about the recipe for Keebler’s Sunchero’s light and crispy tortilla chips. They’re made by Pequeños Keebleros, you know?”

Let me make this clear, Hagar and company were not simply making a crazy metaphor about how strange and “alien” it is to fall in love. Take a look at Van Halen’s own Live Without a Net home video in which Hagar proudly and un-ironically announced to the crowd that this song is “about aliens”. Not romance or falling in love with some creative allusions… “aliens”.

Why did he say that? Because it is, kids.

What would make a veteran rocker and songwriter like Hagar write such a bizarre song? Only the fact that he totally believes in all of that. (Note: Hagar’s first single and album after leaving Van Halen were both called “Marching to Mars”!)

Hagar firmly believes he has been visited by aliens multiple times and that he is, in fact, their puppet. Hagar has confessed in interviews with Guitar World magazine, MTV and others that he has not only been visited by Aliens “three or four times” but has actually been abducted by aliens before. He claims that he has been the subject of alien experimentation going all the way back to at least 1968.

Further, Hagar’s brain has reportedly been “downloaded” by aliens and that the implants they subsequently put into his brain have influenced everything from his music to his stage shows. This includes an infamous late ’70s incident that occurred while opening for Kiss in which “Hagar the Horrible” dropped his pants, flashed a crowd of Kiss fans and then smashed a valuable Fender Stratocaster while bottomless in front of said (presumably mostly human) audience.

Hagar actually thinks that a group of inhuman beings called “The Nine” from the Ninth Dimension are responsible for “downloading” such actions into him (because, you know, it couldn’t be the drugs and alcohol, right?). Hagar even named his publishing company “The Nine Music” after his malefactors. That’s a strange thing to be grateful for, but hey, it’s Hagar, right?

Based on his reports (which he admits make him sound “crazy” and “like a nut”), it’s equally possible that Hagar sat down to write a beautiful romance ballad called “Love Walks In”, but then his Alien programming took over and resulted in this bizarre data dump of interplanetary nightmares with one vague and ill-fitting repeated line about “love” lingering here and there.

So, you see, to Hagar, “Love Walks In” isn’t a ballad, it’s a documentary; his version of Whitley Strieber’s Communion. So, I guess the key to a big MTV hit in the late ’80s was to go stream of consciousness with the weirdest possible nightmare lyrics you can think of and then randomly shove the word “love” into the mess and call it a ballad. It worked for Van Halen because the teeny boppers came running.

I guess “I Can’t Drive 55” is actually about the fact that 55MPH is far below the escape velocity of Earth’s gravitational pull. “Love Walks In”, indeed. “Love Walks In… to an insane asylum for observation and therapy” maybe.

2. “Bette Davis Eyes” is about one of Hollywood’s scariest actresses.

On the surface the hit “Bette Davis Eyes” is about a seductive and self-confident vixen who gets what she wants due to her classic Hollywood assets. To be sure, those lyrics are there and there is most assuredly a precedent for such a comparison. Way back in the ’30s, cinematographer Karl Freund saved the actress’ contract at Universal by telling studio head Carl Laemmle that Davis had “lovely eyes”, which led to her film debut in Bad Sister (1931). This in spite of the fact that Chief of Production Carl Laemmle, Jr. (the aforementioned studio head’s son) said Davis had about as much sex appeal as her male co-star. Throughout her subsequent career, Davis’ eyes were often the subject of close up shots and those same eyes were often called both distinctive and neurotic.

Fifty years later, Davis was so complimented by the success of the song “Bette Davis Eyes” that she sent letters to the singer that made the song famous along with the songwriters to thank them for making her a part of modern times (well after her Hollywood heyday) and for making her an idol to her grandson. When “Bette Davis Eyes” won Song of the Year and Record of the Year at the 1982 Grammy Awards, Davis sent roses to the singer and songwriters.

While Davis is regarded as one of the best actresses in Hollywood history, it’s hard to deny that she is best known for her later films, including a certain Grand Guignol horror movie called What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962) for which she received her final Oscar nomination.

Back when her eyes were receiving those (sometimes dubious) compliments she looked a lot like this:

img-31601

When she starred in Baby Jane she looked a hell of a lot more like this:

img-31601

From there she went on to star in such films as Hush… Hush, Sweet Charlotte (1964), Robert Aldrich’s chilling follow-up to Baby Jane, Dead Ringer (1964), which sported the tagline “for ‘Baby Jane’ people!”, The Nanny (1965) in which Davis terrorizes a family and psychologically tortures an already disturbed ten-year-old boy and Burnt Offerings (1976), an adaptation of the Haunted House novel that would, in part, inspire Stephen King’s The Shining.

Scared yet?

If You’re Not Scared Yet, You Will Be

So, which Bette Davis was “Bette Davis Eyes” talking about? Well considering the fact that the song also name-checks other glamorous actresses like Jean Harlow and Greta Garbo, on initial glance it certainly sounds like they’re talking about the young, magnetic starlet. Taking a deeper look at the lyrics, however, “Bette Davis Eyes” gives a much more sinister impression.

The subject of the song (the unnamed lady with the “Bette Davis Eyes”) starts out with sweet lips, warm hands, golden hair and purity. But almost immediately this vixen becomes a Femme Fatale who fills her suitors with unease with her disturbing appetites. She rolls men like dice until they are literally bruised. She is described as “a spy” who will “expose you” and snow you “off your feet” as she throws you mere crumbs of her affections. Further, she’s alternately described as “precocious” and “ferocious”. That… doesn’t sound like a compliment, folks.

Let’s consider the line “she knows just what it takes to make a pro blush”. Doesn’t that mean she’s just teasing and fun and can make anyone smile and feel shy in her presence? Well, no. “Pro blush” was actually a mistake in the transcription of the lyrics that Kim Carnes used to record her 1981 hit (the most famous version of the song). In the original 1974 version, Jackie DeShannon (who co-wrote the song with Donna Weiss) actually sang “she knows just what it takes to make a crow blush”.

That cryptic lyric “make a crow blush” is actually from an old American expression, which means “easily embarrass or cause intense discomfort”.

So, yeah, DeShannon and Weiss may have had in mind the young ingénue from Bad Sister or Of Human Bondage (1934), sure, but knowing about Davis’ career and really taking a good look at the lyrics about discomposure, ferocity, humiliation and disturbance, it sure doesn’t sound like it.

“Bette Davis Eyes” sounds a lot more like you’re being primed for the butchering by either the Nanny or Baby Jane herself.

3. “Saving All My Love for You” may be grounds for a restraining order.

Unfortunately there’s no dearth of adultery songs in our collective radio consciousness. Remember Atlantic Starr’s “Secret Lovers” in which the singer describes “In the middle of making love we notice the time. We both get nervous ’cause it’s way after nine”. Yeah, it’s taken me decades to try to scrub that image from my brain. Ew!

But at least we know the other party in that relationship is in on it and a willing conspirator. While that whole thing is duplicitous, dishonest and mean spirited, it’s not a cause for calling 911 and having court hearings on the sanity of the singer. That’s not something we can say conclusively about Whitney Houston’s major hit “Saving All My Love for You”.

The song originated with writer/ producer Michael Masser who penned the track with Gerry Goffin (and contributions by Gene Page) for the 1978 album Marilyn and Billy by Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis Jr. Ironically, considering the subject matter, McCoo and Davis were actually married at the time.

A few years later, Masser met Houston at one of her concerts and, impressed by her version of his song “The Greatest Love of All”, he agreed to produce a new version of “Saving All My Love for You” for her 1985, self-titled debut album.

Houston’s version is a longing, solitary tune about a woman in love with a married man and planning a passionate night for him possibly in the hopes of winning his full attention. We all know that. However, listening a bit deeper, this song doesn’t seem like the description of a love affair, but actually the unrequited love of a woman who… just might need professional help.

What’s the evidence? Well, the first line does imply that the duo (I hesitate to call them a “couple”) have shared “a few stolen moments” although it also states plainly that the object of her desire has a family. However, the very next line gives us a strange and disturbing clue to the reality of the speaker of the song. “I’ve tried to resist, being last on your list. But no other man’s gonna do!”

Wait, what?

Sure this may mean that her would-be lover has other priorities in his life, but if it is indeed his list and she’s in last place, that doesn’t exactly imply a very equitable relationship. In fact, the first verse takes on an ominous tone as soon as that line is delivered. Those “few stolen moments” don’t seem like kisses when no one is looking or liaisons in a hotel suite, but perhaps just incidents in which she found herself in the same circle of friends as this married couple and discovered she “had a thing” (read: obsession) for the guy who may or may not know much more than the fact that she exists (if that).

The hints persist throughout the song as the speaker confesses that she lives alone (possibly in her mother’s basement with telltale posters of Patty Hearst adorning the walls) and that her friends are urging her to seek love elsewhere (perhaps with a person who knows she is alive). Putting these strange clues together, the climax (no pun intended) of the song starts to feel really disturbing.

During this climax, Whitney belts out the story that she is getting ready to surprise him (in “a few minutes”) as he walks through the door and entice him into sex for the entire night.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not picturing him coming through the door and smiling at someone who looks like Whitney as she stands there in her sexiest outfit and proceeds to take him on the best date he’s ever had. No, I’m picturing him walking through the door to find a deranged woman who looks like Annie Wilkes with a rope and chloroform (both part of her earlier effort to “get ready”) who jumps on him and anesthetizes him for a ride home in her trunk just as he’s saying “How did you get into my apar-ULP!”

Then he spends the rest of the night chained to her bed, surrounded by Patty Hearst images as she tries desperately to give him Stockholm Syndrome to make her deluded visions come to reality. Meanwhile his family is frantically contacting law enforcement and she’s standing over the bed saying “Ignore those sirens passing by” as she gives him a dastardly look reminiscent of Kathy Bates in Misery!

img-31602

“No Other Woman is Gonna Love You More, you COCKADOODIE!” (Kathy Bates in Misery)

“But WAIT!” I can hear you say. “You skipped the most important part of the third verse, which clearly destroys your theory like an ice block in Angry Birds!”

Not so fast. While it’s true that the third verse does show the speaker remembering that the man in someone else’s life had previously told her that they would “run away together” and “be free” if she would only “be patient, just wait a little longer.” However, the very next line is “But that’s just an old fantasy”. Yep, she’s fantasizing that he ever said any of that just as she’s made way too much of the “few stolen moments”, which become increasingly evident that they did not “share”. Suddenly, after thinking about them running away together, her fanciful imagination breaks down and, with a shock, finds herself alone in her bed in her mom’s basement.

img-31602

“Remember ME, Whitney? I’M BACK!”

In fact, her speculation of what will happen when he walks through that door is “Gonna get that old feeling”. She doesn’t say “You’re gonna get that old feeling”. In fact, she may well be talking about herself, but if she is, in truth, talking about him, the fact that this is an “old feeling” and an “old fantasy” strongly suggests that if these two ever had something at all (and if they did, it was probably literally “a few stolen moments”) what they had was long, long ago, probably before he even had a family. So, yeah, he may realize she exists, but he also realizes that she’s a dangerous stalker who became obsessed with him somewhere in the last decade and since he won’t return her calls, she’s planning to ambush him when he comes home from his job as a car wash cashier.

This isn’t “love” this is terrifying infatuation and disturbing compulsion that is, whether the writers intended it or not, quite obvious when the eyebrow-raising lyrics are analyzed.

Are you starting to get the idea? Play this song next to Hall & Oates’ “Family Man” and the two songs actually sound like they’re arguing with each other.

It’s worth noting that not even Marilyn and Billy’s version is a duet, in spite of the fact that the married couple made the album together. Even in the case of a husband and wife collaboration this is still very much a one-sided soliloquy of ominous preoccupation. In fact, the original version goes even further in this planned domestic terror. Whitney’s line “Tonight is the night for feeling all right” was originally “Tonight is my night for feeling all right”. It’s not “his” night, “our” night or even “the” night. This is hers and hers alone. He won’t be “feeling all right” when strapped to Annie Wilkes’ bed waiting to get hobbled, that’s for sure. As the song begins to fade out Marilyn cries out “I know you’re not gonna leave!” one heart-freezing time, followed by “I’m here ’till the end!”

If the Vampires Don’t Get You, Total Planet Obliteration Will

4. “Total Eclipse of the Heart” is all about vampires (but the writer just forgot).

Jim Steinman is unquestionably one of the greatest songwriters of all time. He’s written most of Meat Loaf’s huge songs including all of the albums Bat out of Hell and Bat out of Hell II (if you know a Meat Loaf number, Steinman probably wrote it) and he’s got great songs sprinkled around by all kinds of artists (including himself). Air Supply’s “Making Love Out of Nothing At All”, Barbara Streisand’s “Left in the Dark”, Goth Rock band The Sisters of Mercy’s “More”, and Bonnie Tyler’s “Holding Out for a Hero” were all written by Steinman, which is not to mention all of Meat Loaf’s hits, Steinman’s solo work and his side projects like Fire, Inc. and Pandora’s Box.

Amid all this, Steinman’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” became Bonnie Tyler’s biggest ever hit and a notable production credit for Steinman himself.

Stories conflict as to the origin of the track, though the melody (sans lyrics) was originally recorded for the film A Small Circle of Friends (1980). Meat Loaf himself has gone on record that the song (along with “Making Love Out of Nothing At All”) was actually written for him and only given to Tyler when Meat Loaf’s record company refused to pay Steinman. Tyler indicates the song was only written for her after she rejected remakes of Blue Oyster Cult’s “Goin’ Through The Motions” and Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Have You Ever Seen the Rain?” (both of which she later recorded anyway). Steinman supports this latter claim indicating that he crafted the lyrics for her unique voice.

Still, up until this time, the closest claim to scariness this song had was its Russell Mulcahy-directed music video, which takes place inside one of Tyler’s weirdest dreams where ninjas and shirtless men and flying choirboys with glowing eyes all march through her brain like something out of Prospero’s Books!

Point being, there were no vampire allusions at all. That wouldn’t continue to be the case.

As indicated, Steinman went on to write and produce a plethora of other great projects and in the late ’90s he was contracted to write the score and songs for the German musical Tanz Der Vampire (which was later brought to the United States as Dance of the Vampires) a remake of Roman Polanski’s 1967 film The Fearless Vampire Killers (or Pardon Me, But Your Teeth Are in My Neck).

And write it, Steinman did, though not all at once. Due, in part, to the time crunch he faced (the Vienna opening required him to write the whole thing in only a month and a half), a full 70 percent of the music for the play was recycled from his earlier projects which, admittedly, freed him up to write the other 30 percent at his leisure.

What the show lacked was a scary vampiric song centerpiece to hang the rest of the musical upon. Steinman racked his brain to think of a big love duet in time to get the show on stage. Then he realized he had not only already written just such a song, but also recorded it in an internationally successful single.

How much did Steinman have to reshape “Total Eclipse of the Heart” to get it to fit a vampire theme? Apparently not much at all, once Steinman’s memory cleared up. “I remembered I actually wrote that to be a vampire love song. Its original title was ‘Vampires in Love’ because I was working on a musical of Nosferatu“, Steinman told Playbill. “If anyone listens to the lyrics, they’re really like vampire lines. It’s all about the darkness, the power of darkness and love’s place in dark.”

Hearing words about “holding on forever”, “love in the dark”, “always in the dark” and “Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time”, one can see how this might be the case (regardless of earlier reports of the song’s origins). So why would Steinman not have run to this song to begin with? Apparently, he simply forgot that he had originally written a terrifying tune about vampires until the last possible second. Sounds like a “Total Eclipse of his Memory”.

Speaking of eclipses…

5. “That’s Amore” causes the unparalleled destruction of the planet Earth in its very first line.

When I was but a little kid watching The Bugs Bunny/ Road Runner Show, whenever that “Super Genius” coyote would fall off a cliff into a puff of dust, my mother (an intellectual with a strong scientific background) would lean in and dutifully, helpfully inform me that “In real life, he’d be DEAD!”

Similarly, when we would sing that “Catch a Falling Star and Put it in your Pocket, save it for a Rainy Day” song, my sweet mom would advise me “Of course, if you really put a star in your pocket your pocket would burn up and you’d be running around with no pants on!” She failed to add “Like Sammy Hagar in front of a crowd of Kiss fans”, but that’s probably because she hadn’t read this article yet.

My point is that a lot of this “literalist” approach to song analysis probably came from her.

Case in point, possibly the most cataclysmically terrifying love song of all time came in the form of Dean Martin’s 1953 hit “That’s Amore”. Unlike “Love Walks In”, which (shockingly) contains about as much metaphor as Wile E. Coyote falling off a cliff, “That’s Amore” is practically filled to the rim with funny metaphors about falling in love. Songwriters Harry Warren and Jack Brooks packed “That’s Amore” with such fanciful figures of speech like “When the world seems to shine like you’ve had too much wine” and “When the stars make you drool just like pasta fazool”, but it’s the very first line that gives me pause each and every time I hear it (much like that aforementioned coyote whenever he heard the oncoming train whistle if you remember that episode).

That first line is “When the Moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, That’s Amore!”

Or is it just revenge?

Let me offer a somewhat more scientific version of this (hopefully) implausible phrase: “When the Moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s the end not only of your life but of all life on Earth, not just as we know it, but in any form of any kind, buster!”

Setting aside the incredibly destructive forces that would have to be at work to cause the Moon to fall to Earth in the first place (which would be considerable), let me point out that the Moon would not merely hit you in the eye but completely crush you quite a bit flatter than the representative “pizza pie” mentioned in the song. In fact, you’d have to be some kind of idiot to actually keep your eye on the Moon as it careened your way. Not that running away would help you any because, well, that “pizza pie” isn’t just “big”, it’s downright enormous and you’d have nowhere to run, so, hell, why not just enjoy the show, right?

While the Moon hitting you in the eyeball would be worse than watching a Lucio Fulci movie, you and your eye wouldn’t be the only ones suffering from this horrifying event. The asteroid that scientists say hit the Earth and killed the dinosaurs (on that Tuesday way back when) was “only” ten kilometers in diameter and that caused enough of an impact to block out the sun for ages, resulting in an unprecedented mass extinction. The Moon’s diameter is actually almost 3,500 kilometers. That would cause the end of the world in and of itself. We’re not talking about a “mere” nuclear winter here, we’re talking about near-instant obliteration of the globe we affectionately call “God’s Green Earth”.

Not only would our only natural satellite hit the ground with a lot of energy (you’d probably be burned to vapor before the crust could even touch your eye, there, Sparky), but it would cause an explosion that would completely raze any continent it fell on or near (and probably boil the sea around it). Just that ten kilometer asteroid had an explosive yield of the equivalent of 60 thousand megatons of TNT. Now multiply that by 350 and… it still wouldn’t matter, the Moon, a celestial object one quarter the size of the entire planet, just hit you in the eye and you’re dead. Not to mention the fact that the entire Earth is now burning and that’s where you keep all your stuff.

img-31603

Impact Event image from Wikipedia

For argument’s sake, here, let’s just say that the “you” of the song isn’t standing in the middle of Mendoza when “the Moon hits your eye”. After all, the Moon is actually steadily (albeit very slowly) moving away from Earth, not toward. So let’s say some other freak accident causes the Moon to volley itself away from the Earth and hit “you” in the eye somewhere else. You’d still be a “pizza pie” and the Earth would still be in deep trouble without the Moon’s presence.

Let’s set aside the fact that over billions of years, the Moon’s gravitational pull has influenced the Earth to the point that life (or, at least, life as we know it) might not exist without it, if some weird Thundarr the Barbarian (1980 – 1982) event messed up the moon or sent it elsewhere, not only would we have to say “Chau” (as we say in Argentina) to our romantic moon-lit walks on the beach, but the beach itself as well. The Moon compels the tide and without that not only would surfers be upset, but sea life would completely change. Organisms relying on the tide would go extinct and that would cause an imbalance in the food chain that would result in no small amount of mass extinctions.

Further, the oval-shaped orbit of the Moon impacts the global altitude of the ocean, causing an elongated distortion of water around the equator. Take away the Moon and guess what, sea level rises like you wouldn’t believe (and don’t forget, it’s now filled with dead fish). And that’s not all. The Moon’s gravity helps to stabilize the axis of rotation of Earth itself and without it the planet would wobble on its axis dramatically under the influence of gravity from all the other planets in the solar system and the polar ice caps would break apart and flow toward the equator. You like polar bears, right?

The Moon’s presence also affects our plate tectonic system and allows both significant heating and dissipation to the Earth’s crust as well. The Moon’s contribution to the evolution of life on Earth is also evident in its stabilization of climate change. Guess what, if the Moon went somewhere else and hit some poor joker in the eye, it wouldn’t matter if you were a Democrat or a Republican, climate change would happen right away. In the recent United Nations climate talks in Paris, it was agreed that a two degree Celsius increase in global temperature would create absolutely devastating havoc for the global economy. Guess what, without that big white ball in the sky, the temperature would change a hell of a lot more than two degrees.

Nocturnal animals who rely on moonlight would die out quickly (if climate change didn’t take care of that for them) causing yet another shift in the food chain. So, with this much mass alteration happening just because some clown in a Dean Martin song fell in love, humans would soon either die out or have to evolve super quick like. Otherwise, much like Wile E. Coyote, in real life, we’d be DEAD!

Well, Hagar might survive thanks to his extraterrestrial buddies, but the rest of us would be toast.

So, no thanks, Dean-o. “When the Moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie” that’s not “amore”, that’s extinction. You may have been trying to sing a clever little love song, but you’ve actually made the Book of Revelation look like Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas!

Huh.

Love songs are stupid.

* * *

On the day I proposed to my wife I romantically stated that because of her, all love songs finally make sense. I was most assuredly not referring to these five “love” songs.

So if you’ll excuse me, we are off to study astronomy with our friends Luna, Diana and Cynthia (all of whom have conveniently forgotten that they are vampires). We might then take in an old Bette Davis movie or possibly Misery again. We invited Sammy Hagar but it turns out he’s on some kind of trip.

See you (and him) in the Next Reel… hopefully.

PopMatters