Okay, it’s time to admit it. You’re addicted to dung. You know what we mean. Garbage. Junk. Refuse. The kind of generic popcorn movie fluff that Hollywood passes off as art each and every week of the year. As a matter of fact, you’ve been mainlining the mainstream for so long that you know longer have the arterial constitution to tell good from god awful. At this point in your problem, you’re more or less gone, given over to lackluster gross out comedies, anemic thrillers, overripe melodramas, and the same old “I hate my life” indie angst fests. Even the typical tame horror romp finds a way to get your gooseflesh perky. In fact, if you’re not experiencing the non-acting abominations that are Robin Williams and Jennifer Aniston, you’re not sure it’s actually a movie you’re mooning over.
Well guess what – it’s time for an intervention – TROMA style. As the leading purveyor of pure art in the entirety of modern motion picture making, founder Lloyd Kaufman and his merry band of product purchases have come up with a dozen definitive films that, when experienced, will work better than a trip to rehab and/or a featured video on TMZ combined. It will get you out of the shame cycle, correct your bass ackward crap aesthetic issues, and release you from the grip of baby blood drinking studio suits. Here’s a warning, however. It will not be easy. The sights you see and the stories you experience will not be some cookie cutter committee claptrap marginalized for maximum demographic delight. No, these are real films by real filmmakers, and their clarity may put you off – at first.
But if you stick with it, give it time, and follow these rigorous rules of celluloid self-examination, you might just find that your compulsion is curable. Heck, you may even discover that you prefer a good dose of unnecessary sadistic bloodletting or undead neck nibbling to the latest Saw installment. Just remember – these are not official Troma helmed productions we’re talking about. The power of those bad boys is too great for the fragile first timer. Instead, these are the company-approved offerings that best illustrate their big picture dynamic. Once you’ve survived these samplings, a date with everyone’s favorite mutant mop boy is just a relapse away. Let’s begin with:
Step 1: Give Up the Self-Destructive Streak (Suicide, 2001)
Step 2: Acknowledge the Devil’s Hold on Cinema (Screamplay (1985)
Step 3: Give Up Drugs (Meat Weed Madness 2006)
Step 4: Take a Vow of Chastity (Killer Condom 1996)
Step 5: Avoid a Life of Crime (Wiseguys vs. Zombies 2003)
Step 6: Try Alternative Foods (Meat for Satan’s Icebox 2004)
Step 7: Recognize the Inherent Evil in Youth (The Children 1981)
Step 8: Recognize the Inherent Evil of the Stage (Bloodsucking Freaks 1976)
Step 9: Reconcile that Life is Chaotic and Episodic (Dumpster Baby 2000)
Step 10: Never Forget that War is Hell (Combat Shock 1986)
Step 11: Understand that there are People Much Worse Off than You (Luther the Geek 1990)
Step 12: When in Doubt, Blame Cannibalistic Extraterrestrials (Flesh Eaters from Outer Space 1998)