Of all the awards shows out there, this one is mine.
Best Reason Why the Only Usher I Want to See in a Movie Theater Is the One Taking My Ticket:
In the Mix. I’ve seen better plots in R. Kelly videos…and not the music ones.
Lowest Black Turnout for a Movie:
Elizabethtown. If these people were any whiter, they’d be clear.
Most Eagerly Anticipated Sequel:
How Stella Got Her Groove Back Part II, or How Stella Lost It Again When Her Man Up and Went Gay. Maybe it should be a buddy cop pic: “He’s a gay Jamaican! She’s a middle-aged novelist! They’re partners! Stella II: Armed and Desperate.
Most Steadfast Dedication to the Paper Bag Rule:
Kevin Hill. OK, Taye, just because these actresses are darker than your wife doesn’t mean you deserve a cookie.
Runner-up: Soul Train
The Maybe-He-Only-Gets-Crappy-Movies-Because-He’s-Not-As-Funny-As-I-Thought Award:
Eddie Griffin
Lifetime Dubious Racial Achievement in Casting Award:
Ron Howard. Would it kill you to throw in a black character here and there? He doesn’t even have to survive to the end. Just give him a couple of lines and a heroic cause. Not even The Andy Griffith Show or Happy Days had any black people. ‘Happy days’ indeed…if you’re a Nazi.
Most Unsettling Hair:
Shemar Moore in Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Madea’s hair looked more natural.
Movie Whose Title Poses a Question You’d Least Like to Have Answered:
Guess Who. I’d rather not.
Didn’t-Realize-He-Was-Still-Alive-Before-He-Died “In Memory Of”:
Nipsey Russell
Most Irrelevant $20 Million Star:
Chris Tucker
Biggest Fall From Grace:
It’s a tie!
Winner #1: Wesley Snipes. He was once an up-and-coming “actor” with blockbuster potential. Now, in between Blade movies, his straight-to-video action feculence fights for shelf space in Blockbuster with Casper Van Dien.
Winner #2: Lou Gossett, Jr. Most recently seen in Left Behind 3: World at War, starring Kirk “My Teeth Are Blessed by God” Cameron. Some may call it the Curse of Oscar, but I call it the Curse of Iron Eagle.
Makes Me Feel Slightly Embarrassed of My Race Award:
Bobby Brown
Makes Me Feel Slightly Better About My Race Award:
Blue Collar TV. It balances out The Parkers.
Runner-up: Kevin Federline
Elizabeth Taylor Distinguished Achievement in Senility Award:
Bill Cosby
Louis Farrakhan Award for Racial Harmony:
Madagascar. Chris Rock as a zebra who’s the best friend of Jewish lion Ben Stiller, only to find out that when his pal’s “true self” comes out, he becomes a carnivore who wants to devour him.
Best Film to Dis in Order to Piss Off a White Person:
Sideways. Try something like, “They call it Sideways because that’s the position you’ll be in after you finish watching it.”
Quickest Box Office Exit:
G. But thanks for playing.
Worst Rapper-Slash-Actor:
50 Cent. He raps like his jaws are wired shut; how do you think his acting is gonna go? Mediocre musician and mediocre actor, he’s the ‘hood Hillary Duff. How can these musicians be actors if they can’t even act like good musicians?
Best Rapper-Slash-Actor:
Ludacris. Granted, that’s not so impressive when the runner-up is The Artist Formerly Known as Lil’ Bow Wow.
Newest Black Television Stereotype to Replace the Angry Black Police Chief:
The black guy on a medical investigation show.
Best Reality Show:
Run’s House. Understated, colorblind everyday family issues that don’t revolve around race, rap, or rims; a godsend, if only to break up episodes of The Gauntlet.
Most Delusional Reality Show:
America’s Next Top Model. OK, so we get a “top” national model straight off the street, like, every six months?
Most Dubious Prize from a Reality Show:
R U the Girl. The winner gets an opportunity to perform once on stage with TLC, and if they like you, maybe you’ll get something more (like a plane ride home). R U kidding?
Silliest Dance Fad:
Krumpin’, as seen in Rize. I mean, really, how many times can you punch air before you just look crazy? Four, maybe five tops. But when you reach double digits, people start rushing to wedge a wallet under your tongue.
Most Conspicuous Absence of Black People:
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Where are all the sisters?
Worst Attempt to Fill the Gap Left By Dave Chappelle:
Weekends at the DL
Book I Most Want to See Turned into a Movie:
Confessions of a Video Vixen by Karrine “Superhead” Steffans. The first movie I’d pay to see Shaquille O’Neal in.
Movie I’m Least Proud of Being Directed By a Black Man:
Fantastic Four
Worst New Hollywood Trend:
Black reincarnations of white classics: Kojak, The Honeymooners, Guess Who. I’m waiting for DukeZ of Hazzard, with a Black Power fist on the roof of an Escalade.
Annual Martin Lawrence Flop:
Rebound
Worst Attempt to Make an Action Star Out of a Rapper
Ice Cube, XXX: State of the Union. I never thought I’d say this about Ice Cube, but he should stick to kids movies; the scowl isn’t what it used to be.
The You-Ain’t-No-Oprah Award:
Tyra Banks, whose 14-year-old, after-school special target audience has made her the new Tempest Bledsoe. It’s easy to be such a proponent of natural beauty when you actually have natural beauty.
Most Inspirational Movie:
Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Not spiritually inspirational, but creatively. I can only imagine how many screenwriters this movie gave birth to in an “I could write that” kind of way.
Most Conspicuous at Acting Lower Class: Halle Berry in Their Eyes Were Watching God. At least she didn’t purr.
Closest That Morgan Freeman Will Ever Be Allowed to Come to Starring in a Film By Himself:
March of the Penguins. See also Unleashed, Batman Begins, and An Unfinished Life (J-Lo, for Christ’s sake!).
The Hardest Working Man in Show Business Award
Terrence Howard
Perhaps He Shouldn’t Work Quite So Hard Award
Anthony Anderson
Movie Who’s Set-Up Most Resembles a 90-Minute Episode of Three’s Company:
The Man. I imagine that at some point there’s an extended Abbott and Costello-like riff on who “the man” is.